For the past few years I have been silently struggling. Today that stops. About 4 years ago I noticed that something had changed. Nothing major had happened in our lives but I suddenly started to feel unworthy, unhappy, easily frustrated, easy to anger, and filled with these feelings of constant worry and dread. Assuming it was just an attitude problem, I tried to find ways to control it on my own, hide it from my friends and family, and make excuses for or justify my behavior to my husband and kiddos. I could not have been more wrong. I was on the brink of a tailspin that would take a lot of time, work, and even medication to overcome...and I still wouldn't say I've overcome it completely.
I struggle with anxiety, depression, and a mood cycling disorder and let me tell you...the struggle IS real. Sometimes, on days like today, progress is like flipping a switch...more often though, it is a delicate balance of counseling, physical and emotional tools, and medication that, over time, brings me closer to who I was before this stupid downward slide started. Today it was the former. I decided to go out on a walk by myself today and it suddenly hit me that I am making progress. I am enough...and...I am not alone. Part of this journey has showed me that I have this amazing talent to feel lonely even when surrounded by those that love me. Do you know how stupid that makes me feel? I can have my house full of people that love me, cherish my kiddos as their own, and adore my husband and yet I feel just like I am sitting all alone in a silent room. It hurts. Physically, it hurts and it takes conscious effort to bring my mind and my heart back to the moment and realize that this is my tribe and they are here with me because they WANT to. Today, that realization hit me like a ton of bricks. Even sitting alone in my living room typing this, I am not alone. I am loved. I am wanted. I am enough.
Then I got to thinking....what am I enough of? I have struggled this whole time with feeling like I wasn't truly worthy. I mean, what is it that I do that makes me worth anything? What am I? The answer came in an instant...I'm a wife, a mother (to my own kiddos and my fur babies), a daughter, a friend, a crafter, and a volunteer. I love to experiment in the kitchen and I totally believe that I can solve almost any conflict with a good plate of food...better yet, I can make that plate of food! But guess what, I hate laundry and housecleaning. I abhor yard work and I am not a gym rat. Am I unworthy because I am a stay-at-home-mom that hates to clean? No, I am not unworthy. I'm enough the way that I am and today I suddenly realized that I am okay with that. Well, maybe not okay with it but I can acknowledge it and not hate myself. That laundry in the basket...at least it is clean even if it isn't folded. But tonight's supper will be off the chain delicious. Both of those are who I am, that's enough and with a touch of a button I could share that tidbit with any number of people and they'd be happy to hear from me regardless of the topic.
I **AM** enough; I am **NOT** alone.
