Instead of 'Just Being Nice', I'd like to 'Just be Honest'...

This has been rattling around in my head for quite some time, now. My instinct is, of course, to always shelter and protect my sweet babies from heartache, hurt feelings, failure and any obstacle that they may encounter. My heart wants to make life perfect and easy for them. My head wants them to fail, get their hearts broken and struggle. What I need them to know, more than anything, is that I will always be here to comfort them and care for them when they fall...because they will fall...but I can not get back up for them and until they fall, they will never know how strong their wings are. And so I will let them fall...only to watch them soar.

The cycle of 'political correctness' has gotten way out of hand. Of course, this is just my opinion.

As a collective, we spend so much time thinking about and choosing our words so that we are kind to everyone and dissecting every thought to determine who it **MIGHT** offend that we are left with nothing to say lest we inadvertently hurt someone's feelings. In the same moment, we have now have a society that can't handle negative feelings or, God forbid, failure. No learning how to accept constructive criticism or realize that whatever was said that hurt your feelings may not have been intended that way at all. So instead of building strong personalities that can take the ups of life as well as the downs, we can only take the ups. As a friend of ours likes to say, "We've built a generation of wussies." Yep. I agree. Not everyone is a winner. Not everyone is good at this, that or the other thing. People have different strengths, weaknesses, opinions, lifestyles, situations and feelings. And that's good. Because if we were all good at everything, life would mighty boring and there would be no motivation to improve anything. There is truly no way to build a society where everyone is happy all the time. That is how we grow, develop and build character...but only if we are willing to face and are put in the path of adversary. Failure, heartache, and difficult situations all teach us lessons...we should learn from them.

You'd think I was talking mostly about the kids. You know...everyone gets a trophy, everyone makes the team, everyone scores points and so on and so on. But the sad part is that it isn't just the kids. It's the adults, too. We're fond of saying 'I really just want to hear the truth'...but what they really mean is 'I really just want to hear the truth as long as you are saying something nice about me, complimenting me or telling me how great I am.' And in this cycle of always being nice and only sharing positive thoughts, we have also lost the the ability to be truly sorry for the impact of our own actions or words, whether they were intended to be harmful or simply inadvertently hurt someone.

Sorry, that's not how it works. Nobody is perfect all the time but in a world full of rose colored glasses, mine must be broken. I am bossy, a compulsive planner (which I fail to see how that is a negative, but I know it annoys the crap out of some folks), outspoken...usually without a 'politically correct' filter, loud, moody sometimes (yep, I know it...and I admit it), I hate talking on the phone and I am unwilling to compromise when it come to things that impact my children...just to name a few of my flaws. :) I've tried out for sports teams and been cut, I've applied for jobs and been turned down, I've joined clubs/organizations and been ignored, I endured my fair share of teasing through my school years, I struggled in math (and any science class that involved equations), I've lost friends over decisions that I've made regarding my children, I've had my  heart broken, I've felt 'left out' (as a kid and even as an adult) and yet I am happy. I love my life, my family and my friends. Yeah, things suck every now and then. But going through the ups and downs of life is what has made me the person that I am now. I don't care if I have to use a calculator for what others (ahem, my Hubby) consider simple math. I don't care if you don't like that I give my honest opinion when you ask me something...if you don't want an unfiltered response, don't ask in the first place. I've dealt with those things, learned from them, improved myself personally and moved on to bigger, better and more exciting things in my life.

I remember sitting outside my high school gym waiting for the lists to be posted of which girls made which cheerleading squad (betcha didn't know I was a cheerleader, huh?).  There were so many of us and only about half as many spots as there were girls. Nobody was guaranteed...didn't matter if you cheered last year, you tried out again every year. I was good at it. I was loud (ha, shocker), knew the routines and the movements by heart, my movements were sharp and crisp and I knew I'd remembered to smile the whole time. But I was not a tumbler. I knew that this was a drawback for me. I could lift the other girls up like nobody's business but when it came to flinging myself end over end down the mat, it just wasn't happening...cartwheels and round-offs were the extent of my gravity-defying abilities. I imagine that all of the other girls sitting there waiting were also focused purely on what they considered their drawback and so we waited....tense and fidgeting...for our coaches to post those lists in the window of the gym doors...where they would remain for the whole next day, effectively announcing to the whole school who had not made the cut.

The point of this story is two-fold. First of all, I knew my weaknesses. Can we say that of today's children...or even adults? Second, when they finally (3 minutes late, mind you) taped up the papers with each squad's new members two things happened...1/2 the crowd of girls squealed in delight and the other 1/2 fought back tears. And you know what the squealing 1/2 of us did? We comforted the other half. Because in the course of learning failure, we'd learned compassion and because next season that could be us not making the cut for the basketball team that was one of the gal's true strengths and we had been taught to support each other through both triumph and adversary. And so the cycle would go...some failing, some prevailing but all supporting each other.

That is soooooo not how the cycle works today and I don't know when it changed but we aren't protecting anyone by making everyone a winner. We aren't helping anybody by singing only praises. We aren't teaching anything by trying to build a society where everyone is friends. The fact is that we aren't all cut out to be friends with everyone. Polite, civil and RESPECTFUL? Yes. But not necessarily the kind of friends that you invite to your home, meet for dinner or drinks or choose to hang out with on your personal time. We help each other by trying, failing, supporting, trying again, prevailing, supporting and so on. You can't have true success without a few failures.

MilSpouse: "Mamma, we decided you must be Superwoman because you can fix the car and make supper!"

Being a Military Wife means a lot of things...a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Outsiders think it is a glamorous life of world-travel, gifts brought home from various countries, sunshine, wealth, rainbows, wildflowers and beautiful homecomings. Some of those are true. I've gotten some amazing gifts from my husband's travel (note HUSBAND'S travel...he is the active duty member in our house...he does the traveling...I do not, unless it is on our own dime...and speaking of dimes, we don't get an over abundance of those, either) and the homecomings are beautiful, exciting, full of love and almost as many tears as the farewells.  Some think it is nothing but doom and gloom, single-parenting, finances that don't balance and time that is always running out.  Some of those things are true, too. Single-parenting sucks and finances do take a lot of planning and sometimes a bit of creative execution. But to me, it means more than all of that.

MilSpouse to me means independence, strength, courage, vulnerability, creativity and endurance.  It isn't a sprint...it is a long, drawn out, exhausting, exhilarating and rewarding double ultramarathon. It is worth every gut-wrenching, bone-tired second because as soon as that second is over, it's over and you're on to the next one and that is the second that takes your breath away.

Hubby is gone on a short trip right now and having had him home for a looooong stretch (7 months...yes, in our life, that is looooong) has given me a fresh outlook on our lifestyle. This trip will be less than half the length of what we are accustomed to, so it really just feels like a breath of fresh air. Not to mention, he will be stateside the entire time, so we can even still text and call without issue! It is a chance for me to fill my hours doing all the things that I don't want to waste 'together time' doing when he is home (don't be jealous that I reorganized my kitchen counter tops three times today to see which lay-out I liked better and cleaned every single slat on the window shade behind the kitchen sink). But it is also a chance for me to remind myself that I don't love him because I need him...nor did I marry him because I need someone to take care of me. I love him...and married him...because of who he is, who I am when I am with him and who we are when we are together. He is amazing, intelligent, funny, a devoted father and perfect for me.  Me? I am independent, bossy, structured, a devoted mother and perfect for him. :)  <3

The truth is that TDYs and Deployments play to my strengths for the most part. I get to make all of the decisions, do things my way and on my schedule and creatively solve problems.  In a way this is so so so so bad for him, especially when he is gone for extended periods...he comes home and feels unnecessary because things run so smoothly when he is gone. I live with an 'I can do it' attitude. Change a tire? Got it. Dead battery? No biggie, jump it...charge it..replace it...I've got this. Leaky sink? Sure, I can figure that out. Grass needs to be cut? Okay (Lord how I hate yard work), fire up the lawn mower and let's get to it. 2 inches of snow? Awesome, suit up the kids and myself and we'll have it shoveled in no time. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things that I can't do on my own and I know that. That's what my Daddy is for (LOL)...I can call him anytime and if he can't walk me through what I need to do, he can tell me who to call. In truth, we could go a whole trip (or two or five) without me NEEDING to talk to Hubby to resolve an issue. It doesn't mean I like constantly putting out the fires that always flare up just as things seem smooth, just that I don't worry about IF I can handle it, I just DO.  But, I like to talk to him. I like getting his opinion...even if it is after I've already handled the situation, it's nice to know if he would have done the same thing or if there is some other option that I may have missed in the heat of the moment. And the BEST part of all of that? He loves me for that same independence that sometimes leaves him feeling left out. It means he doesn't have to worry about us. We may struggle, be sad and miss him but we can handle it and anything that comes along with it. He is free to do his job, to keep us all safe and spend his hours focused on what is going on there and now...no nagging worry in the back of his mind.  Home life for a military family is all about support and that starts with mutual trust and support in the relationship. I couldn't ask for a better partner to share this (or any) life with...he always supports and encourages me, he is proud of the way I handle things both when he is home and on the road and because he is unconditionally supportive, I thrive.

It definitely isn't always sunshine, wildflowers and rainbows. There are days that I am incredibly lonely...I'm a social person and it is always the being alone that will get to me first. It's the kind of lonely that comes from having your heart sent half way around the world or half way across the country. It is cold, harsh and debilitating if you let it get to you. There are days that I just don't want to have to handle anything else...I just want bed time to get here so we can all go to sleep, wake up tomorrow and start a fresh (and, hopefully, less lonely) day. Lots of things can trigger the loneliness...a song on the radio (EVERY song on Sirius/XMs Prime Country reminds me of Hubby, so I try to avoid the whole damn station)...sometimes it is a day of one thing after another or several days in a row where there is SOMETHING that goes wrong each day.  I don't want to be sick and home alone with two little ones depending on me, I don't want to have to deal with some weird light that came on in my car on the way home, I don't want to have to charge/change a battery in negative windchills or try to guide a moody, emotional 6 year old through life by myself...I just don't wanna. But then something amazing happens. I do it anyway, without complaint (well, at least not in front of the kids) and I hear this: "Mamma, we decided you must be Superwoman because you can fix the car and make supper!" And now every pain-in-the-ass second of it is totally worth it as I realized that without even trying, I taught my children one of life's greatest lessons...it's not about what life hands you, it's about what you do with it.

Catching Up a Bit and Prayers for 2014

Hi. No, I didn't fall off the face of the earth. I was doing so good at posting things regularly and then something happened. Life. LOL. I love blogging as an outlet. But it is always so crazy and busy and non-stop in the late-Spring to late-Summer time frame that by the time we get the kids to bed (of course it doesn't get dark until so late anyway), I am all out of ideas for writing. Things happen so quickly and time just slips away...next thing I know, it's mid-September and it's about time to start the 'Holiday Season'. I know that it is a busy time for everyone so I do my best to stay in touch with everyone and answer those that send me messages, emails, texts or whatnot.  

And now it is January.  January! 

Christmas is, hands-down, my favorite time of year. I love everything about it. I love the celebration, the giving, the magic, the lights and decorations, the music and the wonder on the faces of children. Especially my children. In a way, social media has kind of put a damper on it, though. Between those wallowing in their own pity and the Santa-haters, I worry that my 'Elf on the Shelf ' post will be met with criticism or contempt and, quite frankly,  I think that there is no reason that I should have to defend our way of doing things. Not to mention the fact that the Facebook comments of others do nothing but add additional stress and frustration to what is, truthfully, the BEST season of the year.  Our 6 year old said it best a few weeks ago. She and her brother were having a discussion in the car about the meaning of Christmas, how we celebrate and Baby Jesus.  When he asked her why various Nativity Scenes were slightly different and why some children don't have their own Elf, she calmly explained "Because there is no wrong way to love Jesus"...and she was so right. Whether you decide to indulge in the fictional magic of Santa Claus (the fat, jolly old elf that slides down the chimney) or keep your discussions of Pierre Noel strictly to historical accounts of the Bishop that left gifts of coins, food and/or clothing with families in secret, the fact is that it is a season to celebrate the most selfless gift in history.    

We are beyond thrilled to have our family complete for this Holiday Season. The little blessings, like Christmas shopping for our children together (no more emailing Amazon links back and forth), has been wonderful.  Santa even brought a puppy this year...a MAJOR event that would definitely not have been possible in single-parent-mode. Big blessings, like hosting Thanksgiving Supper, Cookies for Santa (our annual cookie decorating party), Christmas Supper AND a Family Friendly New Year's Eve Party have been fantastic.  

But here we are, a week into the first month of 2014 and in addition to being totally spent in entertaining, I'm thinking of the things that I would like to be even better. As I ponder the things that cause me worry, stress and anxiety, it occurs to me that I can't change any of those things. I can't force people to be more respectful...to answer text, phone, email, Facebook or voicemail messages. I can't predict where our life or our job will be in the next 6 months or year. I can't move my family closer. I can't magically get the dog potty trained (LOL). 

What I can do is become a better version of me. I can learn to let go of the investment in folks that are only friendly when it is convenient for them yet choose to ignore me when it doesn't suit their needs. I may even learn to just sever the virtual friendship that does nothing but serve as a source of insult and frustration. I can learn to be happy with what we have here and now and what is going on here and now. Next month will get here soon enough and whatever it brings will be a blessing...even if I have to really work to find the silver lining in the storm. I can learn to merely dislike night shift instead of despising it (it is so much harder to call Grammy whenever I want when she sleeps all day)! But now I can easily call her when I can't sleep at 2 am.  Instead of wasting time, energy and hurt feelings on these things, I will continue to be myself and those folks for whom that isn't enough (or maybe it's too much) can either get over it or learn to love me for me.

By now you are probably wondering what I am going to do with all of that extra energy that I'm not going to spend being frustrated, insulted, stressed and worried? Well I'm glad you asked...

In 2014 I am going to...

...cook with my kids, with the radio turned up so loud that we can't hear the door when Daddy gets home.

...spend time enjoying the new friends and sisters through my Thirty-One business. That's right, my business! I love it, I love the wonderful people that I've met and if you don't want to hear me talk about it, then I don't want to hear you talk about the things that bring out the passion in your life.

...blow bubbles in the cold with my Bugs. It is so neat to see them freeze!

...no longer feel bad for being happy about my hubby finally having a job that keeps him home more...we did our time and earned this bit of reprieve...and I will enjoy it!

...be happy we didn't put in new floors before getting a puppy instead of being frustrated by the accidents (thankfully she's getting the potty training thing pretty quickly, so this one should be fairly easy).

...go on more picnics. The kids love 'em and that's all the motivation I need to pack it up and go eat lunch in the grass.

...let my daughter "do" her own hair (but probably only on days that we don't have to go anywhere).

...build in more "Mother-Daughter" time with my sweet Ladybug...she is growing up TOO FAST.

...spend more of my one-on-one time with precious Bumblebee doing things HE wants to do.

...'date' my husband. <3

And I am sure there are about a hundred other things that I will think of as soon as I click 'publish' but the fact is that I am going to spend more time on little things and less time/energy on those sucking the fun out of life.

I feel better already.

My prayer for you is that whatever you do in 2014, you are happy and fulfilled!

~Jac