i AM Enough; i am NOT alone

For the past few years I have been silently struggling. Today that stops. About 4 years ago I noticed that something had changed. Nothing major had happened in our lives but I suddenly started to feel unworthy, unhappy, easily frustrated, easy to anger, and filled with these feelings of constant worry and dread. Assuming it was just an attitude problem, I tried to find ways to control it on my own, hide it from my friends and family, and make excuses for or justify my behavior to my husband and kiddos. I could not have been more wrong. I was on the brink of a tailspin that would take a lot of time, work, and even medication to overcome...and I still wouldn't say I've overcome it completely. 

I struggle with anxiety, depression, and a mood cycling disorder and let me tell you...the struggle IS real. Sometimes, on days like today, progress is like flipping a switch...more often though, it is a delicate balance of counseling, physical and emotional tools, and medication that, over time, brings me closer to who I was before this stupid downward slide started. Today it was the former. I decided to go out on a walk by myself today and it suddenly hit me that I am making progress. I am enough...and...I am not alone. Part of this journey has showed me that I have this amazing talent to feel lonely even when surrounded by those that love me. Do you know how stupid that makes me feel? I can have my house full of people that love me, cherish my kiddos as their own, and adore my husband and yet I feel just like I am sitting all alone in a silent room. It hurts. Physically, it hurts and it takes conscious effort to bring my mind and my heart back to the moment and realize that this is my tribe and they are here with me because they WANT to. Today, that realization hit me like a ton of bricks. Even sitting alone in my living room typing this, I am not alone. I am loved. I am wanted. I am enough.

Then I got to thinking....what am I enough of? I have struggled this whole time with feeling like I wasn't truly worthy. I mean, what is it that I do that makes me worth anything? What am I? The answer came in an instant...I'm a wife, a mother (to my own kiddos and my fur babies), a daughter, a friend, a crafter, and a volunteer. I love to experiment in the kitchen and I totally believe that I can solve almost any conflict with a good plate of food...better yet, I can make that plate of food! But guess what, I hate laundry and housecleaning. I abhor yard work and I am not a gym rat. Am I unworthy because I am a stay-at-home-mom that hates to clean? No, I am not unworthy. I'm enough the way that I am and today I suddenly realized that I am okay with that. Well, maybe not okay with it but I can acknowledge it and not hate myself. That laundry in the basket...at least it is clean even if it isn't folded. But tonight's supper will be off the chain delicious. Both of those are who I am, that's enough and with a touch of a button I could share that tidbit with any number of people and they'd be happy to hear from me regardless of the topic.

I **AM** enough; I am **NOT** alone.

No kids? No opinion.

Oh how I wish people that don't have kids would stop 'helping' or offering 'suggestions' or even ranting about or to people that do have kids. Believe me when I say that you DO NOT KNOW until you have LIVED IT. Don't worry, I know there will be plenty of negative feedback from this little gem. Don't worry, your opinion probably doesn't mean much to me.

There, I've said it. I've called them out and I don't even feel bad. As a matter of fact, I feel better.

I love my children dearly. Like most parents, I believe that my children are smarter, funnier, more adorable, and more loving than anyone else's kids. I know I'm right, and that's just all there is to it. I also know that they are obnoxious boogers when they want to be...but that is for me to say, not you...you do not get to vote on that subject. It is my job to handle their jackassery and I certainly don't need non-parent assistance as I figure this out as I go along...because, believe me, you make up the rules and learn the game as you go along.

I see it all the time...in stores, blog posts, Facebook status updates, and even in my own backyard once upon a time. Because my filter quit working when I was pregnant with my first little Bug, I stopped that shit right in it's tracks. You don't have a kid? Awesome for you...you don't get to assist unless I ask, otherwise assume you know nothing. I know it is crude...and there are a small few, select folks that don't have kids that provide opinions or suggestions that don't send me in to an adult version of a tantrum. However, the difference between them and the folks that I'm referring to now is the respect factor. They respect me, my children, my family, and my position. When the offer ideas, it isn't in a degrading "My God, you just have no idea what you are doing!" sort of way, it is in a "I know you're running out of ideas and I really want to help." sort of way and usually with a glass of wine attached and an offer to help with bedtime. Love you guys. LOVE. Seriously.

I don't care if it is feeding, shots, general parenting, discipline, electronics, school, or anything else, until you have a child of your own that depends on you for everything and you are the sole person responsible for the health, well being, education, and livelihood of another human being (or people if you have an involved second parent...as I am luck to have), you do not get to comment, judge, make suggestions, or ridicule a parent for anything that they are doing (unless it is endangering the child).

In case you were wondering, parenting is like everything else...parents make mistakes. I let my kids drink Coke every now and again and they both started solid foods at 3 months regardless of the recommendations. We observe standard vaccination schedules, which many would argue is a mistake. There are days when I let them watch too much TV, play on their Kindles all day long, or (God help me because this is gonna really kill some of y'all) I let them play with my phone in the store to keep them occupied. I've been known to let them survive for a day on just Cilf bars and milk, leave school early for an event that is in no way related to academics, and play outside all day without sunscreen. All of these things are decisions that I made. I was well aware of the possible repercussions, but I chose to do it anyway. They could end up obese, diabetic, antisocial from the extra screen time, mistakenly dialed China or 911 when they played with my cell, or ended up with sunburn from exposure.

Sometimes nothing happens. My kids are healthy, if a little underweight at times. They have only really been sunburned once (maybe twice, but I can't remember it so it doesn't really count). Nobody is antisocial and, thankfully, I've had no cell phone bills for China or angry 911 operators to deal with so far. But it's out there, it's gonna happen, and when it does there will be a child-free person nearby just waiting to explain why my decision was a poor one or ranting on their Facebook pages or blogs about how parents just have no clue. If I'm lucky, they'll do it online where I won't see it...but when they do, I can assure you that there is a 'friend' on their Facebook or a 'follower' on their blog that will take offense because they will know that they truly have not basis or support for this soap box that they've climbed up on.

Before you ask, yeah, I get the irony in my ranting post compared to their ranting post...it's at least half the reason that I decided to write this thing anyway!

Kids make mistakes. Parents make mistakes. Guess what? We are all human. YOU have made mistakes...one of them is counseling parents when you have no background, but there are others. I am sure of it.  So when you are angry because I hand my kid a cell phone in Target to stop the constant barrage of questions (you do not know the feeling of an exhausted brain until your 4 year old wants to have a serious, in-depth discussion about time travel and the possibilities of parallel timelines, it's properties, ramifications, and technicalities) or when you see my kid eating a Snicker's bar and drinking a Coke while Netflixing 'White Collar' on their Kindle, feel free to keep your opinions, suggestions, and comments to yourself because if you share them, you can not be guaranteed that I will keep my mouth shut.

Teaching Respect and Self Respect Instead of Blasting Schools for Enforcing Dress Codes

There are so many blog posts, articles, and graphics going around about children and their parents getting offended over dress codes these days. In most of them, someone is flying off the handle because they (or their child) got into trouble for wearing something that violates an institution's written dress code. They get on a soap box about how we shouldn't assume boys have no impulse control, instead we should teach it to them or that a female's shoulders/back shouldn't be considered distracting or spaghetti straps shouldn't be a problem on a 6 year old, or whatever else they come up with at the time. But I don't agree. There, I said it. Feel free to freak out and argue with me or call me names. But, if you want to know my reasons, stick with me.

Though I will concede that the most recent article that I read was handled in a far more mature manner than the father that flipped out on his kid's elementary school, I still don't agree. And, in the end, the teen that wrote the letter referenced in the article was disrespectful and rude...I was with her until she wrote "because authority figures, and I use that term very loosely such as yourself"...directly insulting someone is not the way to make your point, ever. Whether she approves of the particular person filling the role of whatever XYZ authority figure, it isn't considerate of her to be blatantly disrespectful of that person. Not to mention, you don't have to respect an individual personally to respect the position that they hold. Disagree? Go ask anyone in the military if they've ever had a commander that they didn't quite mesh with...then ask them if they refused to follow orders because they didn't respect the individual personally...I guarantee anyone with a decent career will tell you that you first respect the position, then you respect the person. Personal respect is earned, not guaranteed...and now she has totally undermined herself by her actions.

First of all, undergarments are undergarments because they are designed to be worn UNDER your clothing...you cover up your underwear, so cover up your bra too. I know a LOT of folks (good friends, even) that will disagree with me and say that a bra strap here and there is not a big deal but to me it is. It is about self respect. Not modesty, not what others will think, not 'rape culture' as they keep calling it, but pure and simple self respect. Respect yourself enough to cover your private parts and your undergarments. It's not hard. Even with all the different halters, tanks, and racer back tops, there are nearly infinite bra options to suit any top you may choose so in the end, you are choosing to not respect yourself and your body.  

Second, public institutions have rules about what is acceptable clothing and what is not. I guarantee that the school dress code is not so new that these people do not have any idea what is acceptable and what is not. If you don't like the rules, breaking them and then throwing a hissy fit when you get penalized is not the answer. If that is how you handle it, you are simply trying to make yourself some sort of martyr since you got caught. If, however, you truly disagree with all or part of the dress code, bring it up appropriately and through the correct channels (like parent teacher conferences and/or school board meetings...or even simply make an appointment with a member of the school staff or principal) if you truly want anything to be done about it or any changes to be made. If you just do what you want and then go to social media to get sympathy and attention, you are just another rule breaker trying to find a way out by making 'the man' look bad. 

While I agree that female bodies are far more sexualized than is necessary and boys deserve far more credit for their ability to maturely handle seeing a pretty girl (the world makes it sound like males have no impulse control just as much as it makes women seem like they are all sex kittens...neither of those are true and both are directly based on how we raise our children), actions like this will not change any of those perceptions. What will change viewpoints is the way we raise our children, the way we teach them to care about their bodies, how we teach them to respect themselves, the way we teach them to view others, and the examples that we set for them to imitate. Teaching respect will, in turn, both earn respect and build self respect. 

What Not to Say ... or Maybe Just Keep Your Mouth Shut 'cuz Everyone is too Self-absorbed to Appreciate Your Attempt at Conversation

With all the blog posts floating around about "What Not to Say to XYZ" (insert your own label here...Couples without Children, Homeschooling Parents, Parents of Large Families, Parents of an Only Child, Public School Parents, Parents in Military Families, Parents of Multiples, Cloth Diapering Parents, so many others that don't even involve parenting, and so on and so forth), two things have become abundantly clear to me.

First, I do not know your struggle and you do not know mine. Yet I still belive that your comments or questions are not intended to harm or insult me. I believe this because I believe that the majority of people are not cruel by nature, nor are they intentionally seeking me out to do me harm. Social, yes...which is why they are even attempting to have a conversation with you in the first place. Let me say that first part again...I do not know your struggle(s). I am not trying to piss you off by engaging you in conversation anymore than you are intending to pissed me off with your idle inquiries and chitchat.

Second, people are all too sensitive yet simultaneously displaying an extreme lack of empathy and/or sympathy. Not everything is about you, your family, and your struggle. I know it is monumental to you, just as mine is monumental to me...but neither of us is the center of the universe . And while we're on that topic, your kids aren't the center of the universe either. Feel free to teach them that...they are our future, let's not raise them to be self involved and entitled.

So next time someone asks when "the next baby is coming" or "how long before you put the kids back in regular school", instead of being hurt and offended, SHARE your struggle.

Instead of assuming they are out to hurt you, respond with "Well, family planning can be a challenge but we are certainly happy to have our sweet lil' man."  Instead of being defensive about your schooling choice say "This is a great system for us and the kids are really flourishing, so we'll take it a year at a time and see how it develops."

In the end we can't blame someone else for being cruel and insensitive when we are just as much to blame for being defensive and hyper sensitive.

Raising the Future...

I love my children more than anything else on this Earth.

But I am not just raising children...I am not just raising a daughter and a son...and I am not here to be their friend (yet...the time will come later for that)...

I am raising the future of America, a wife/mother, a husband/father and coworkers/friends/neighbors on which you can depend.  

I am raising a daughter with the traits, qualities and morals that I would allow to date my baby boy and a son with the respect, dignity and reliability that I would permit to date my sweet daughter.

I am raising young people that you will welcome into your home when they come calling on your son/daughter, productive members of society with a strong moral compass, hard core work ethic as well as a heart full of compassion, empathy and respect.

What does that look like?

Well, to you (thankfully) it looks like cute, well-mannered children that are confident speaking to adults and babies alike, little ones that are well-groomed, well-mannered, cheerful, generous, loving, intelligent, and obedient.

I like that THAT is what you see. That means my work is paying off.

But on those days when they want to push the boundaries, make bad decisions, and test the waters of rebellion, it looks like a battle of wills with a little girl that just KNOWS she is right and can shoot daggers with those eyes. It looks like a little man that thinks tears or anger will solve his problems and that Mamma will cave. It looks like yelling and spankings and Shor tempers and GO STAND IN THE CORNER!

It looks like a mother, convinced she is doing it all wrong, crying in the shower.

But then they get ready for bed...we give tight hugs that speak volumes without a single word...we kiss pink noses and tear-stained cheeks...and they rest well knowing that nothing has really changed. Mamma still loves them a million times around the moon and back. The rules are still the rules, the expectations are still the same.

Consistency.

Responsiblity.

Structure.

And you know what? They wake up in the morning with a smile, a hug, and a kiss...and we do it all over again. Because what I teach them today will help them tomorrow.

At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Big Girl

Where did the time go? Sometimes I look at her and it suddenly strikes me how grown up she has become... ♡

My Fixer Dude

"Mamma, I will be the Fixer Dude while Daddy is gone so you don't have to do it all."

Yep. Brought tears to my eyes, too.