Teaching Respect and Self Respect Instead of Blasting Schools for Enforcing Dress Codes

There are so many blog posts, articles, and graphics going around about children and their parents getting offended over dress codes these days. In most of them, someone is flying off the handle because they (or their child) got into trouble for wearing something that violates an institution's written dress code. They get on a soap box about how we shouldn't assume boys have no impulse control, instead we should teach it to them or that a female's shoulders/back shouldn't be considered distracting or spaghetti straps shouldn't be a problem on a 6 year old, or whatever else they come up with at the time. But I don't agree. There, I said it. Feel free to freak out and argue with me or call me names. But, if you want to know my reasons, stick with me.

Though I will concede that the most recent article that I read was handled in a far more mature manner than the father that flipped out on his kid's elementary school, I still don't agree. And, in the end, the teen that wrote the letter referenced in the article was disrespectful and rude...I was with her until she wrote "because authority figures, and I use that term very loosely such as yourself"...directly insulting someone is not the way to make your point, ever. Whether she approves of the particular person filling the role of whatever XYZ authority figure, it isn't considerate of her to be blatantly disrespectful of that person. Not to mention, you don't have to respect an individual personally to respect the position that they hold. Disagree? Go ask anyone in the military if they've ever had a commander that they didn't quite mesh with...then ask them if they refused to follow orders because they didn't respect the individual personally...I guarantee anyone with a decent career will tell you that you first respect the position, then you respect the person. Personal respect is earned, not guaranteed...and now she has totally undermined herself by her actions.

First of all, undergarments are undergarments because they are designed to be worn UNDER your clothing...you cover up your underwear, so cover up your bra too. I know a LOT of folks (good friends, even) that will disagree with me and say that a bra strap here and there is not a big deal but to me it is. It is about self respect. Not modesty, not what others will think, not 'rape culture' as they keep calling it, but pure and simple self respect. Respect yourself enough to cover your private parts and your undergarments. It's not hard. Even with all the different halters, tanks, and racer back tops, there are nearly infinite bra options to suit any top you may choose so in the end, you are choosing to not respect yourself and your body.  

Second, public institutions have rules about what is acceptable clothing and what is not. I guarantee that the school dress code is not so new that these people do not have any idea what is acceptable and what is not. If you don't like the rules, breaking them and then throwing a hissy fit when you get penalized is not the answer. If that is how you handle it, you are simply trying to make yourself some sort of martyr since you got caught. If, however, you truly disagree with all or part of the dress code, bring it up appropriately and through the correct channels (like parent teacher conferences and/or school board meetings...or even simply make an appointment with a member of the school staff or principal) if you truly want anything to be done about it or any changes to be made. If you just do what you want and then go to social media to get sympathy and attention, you are just another rule breaker trying to find a way out by making 'the man' look bad. 

While I agree that female bodies are far more sexualized than is necessary and boys deserve far more credit for their ability to maturely handle seeing a pretty girl (the world makes it sound like males have no impulse control just as much as it makes women seem like they are all sex kittens...neither of those are true and both are directly based on how we raise our children), actions like this will not change any of those perceptions. What will change viewpoints is the way we raise our children, the way we teach them to care about their bodies, how we teach them to respect themselves, the way we teach them to view others, and the examples that we set for them to imitate. Teaching respect will, in turn, both earn respect and build self respect. 

It's Different When it's Your Kids...

It’s different when it’s your kid. I heard this all the time. I’m an only child and I doubt anybody would have described me as ‘patient’ with children. ‘Tolerated’ would have been a much better way to describe my feelings toward children more than a year or two younger than myself…and only barely at that. As I got older…then engaged…then married…I was constantly asked about kids of my own. To be honest, I worried. Kids in general annoyed me. All of them. Yeah, they were cute for about 10 minutes before I started to feel overwhelmed by their neediness…and adorable when they were sleeping. But their noses were runny and crusted with dried food and snot. Their mouths were lined with whatever meal or snack they’d finished…an hour ago. Their clothes were rumpled and disheveled. Their hair was always askew. They were just not tidy…oh-so-needy…and riddled with temper tantrums! I must have had all of that written on my face quite often because immediately after asking ‘So, when are you going to start having kids?’ one would say ‘Don’t worry, it’s different when they’re yours.’  Of course, my first thought was ‘Wow, everything is plural in that sentence’…what if I only want one? LOL.

Well, I must admit…they were right.  It is different with my own kids. But not in the ways you might think. Snotty, crusty noses and mouths still drive me crazy. I am the queen of wiping…and now my two are the princess and prince of wiping. : ) Rumpled and disheveled clothes make me bonkers…I iron almost everything (well, except socks and underwear).  And hair is rarely askew in this house. Both of my Bugs were born with hair…and lots of it…and it got fixed daily (sometimes more than once…depending on the state of disarray after naps)…it STILL gets fixed daily. K has long, thick, coarse, wavy hair…it grows so fast that in her short life, she has donated her hair to various wig-making agencies 3 times! It gets combed, wet and styled each day.  C has thick blonde hair that we keep cut relatively short. He goes with Daddy every two weeks to get their hair cut to ‘within regs’…but it is still washed each night and combed each evening and then wet and combed each morning.  Don’t get me wrong, they are still kids. They still play in the mud/dirt outside and enjoy every second of it. They spend entire days outside in the summer playing in the dirt, mud, grass and whatever else they can find and they love it.  But once the fun is over and they are ready to be done. They are ready to be DONE…cleaned up, wiped down, washed and FINISHED. They know better than to play with their food and as such, they are fairly clean eaters (well, except for things like fresh watermelon slices while they are playing in the aforementioned mud, dirt and grass).  See, having my own kids didn’t mean I had to give up on those little things, it just meant that there is a time and place for everything and it was (well, still is) my job to teach that to my sweet little ones.

The lack of tidiness still bothers me. A lot. But I have made my peace with most of it. I’ve taught them to clean up their messes…how to put their toys/books away and how to take care of things so that they will last longer.  Most days this works just fine…I say ‘clean-up time’ and they do it.  On occasion, like tonight, I give them the night off and let them worry about it tomorrow.  That was (and still is) a big step for me…to let go a little bit and let the house be in a slight bit of disorder in favor of playing in the bathtub or reading extra books. But, you can’t always have it all and do it all…I have learned at least that much. And when it comes to choosing, I will ALWAYS choose them…this precious time with them is so short. The neediness still gets to me sometimes…but the Lord was good enough to give one fiercely independent little girl and a little boy that is independent the majority of the time. The things they need me for are understandable…food, drinks and basic care…not just an ‘I need you to pay attention to me just for the sake of me getting my way’ kind of needy. When either of them are that kind of needy, you can bet your paycheck that they aren’t feeling well. Every. Single. Time.  

And the temper tantrums. Oh, Lord help me.  We don’t have a tantrum-thrower. It was never an option. Probably because we have always believed in consequences. Actual consequences, not empty threats.  We use a variety of punishment forms…spanking, time out, taking away special or new toys, games, stuffed animals, events or activities and we don’t let poor behavior be the cause of leaving a store, restaurant or event.  Instead we use the old staynd-bys that our parents used: ‘Do we need to go outside?’ and ‘Should we take this to the bathroom?’  Along with our own personal favorite: ‘Do we need to go discuss this?’ Most people…even close friends…disapprove of this concept. And that is fine…their kids are their kids to raise and ours are ours. To each their own.  However, we have always believed that if they are old enough to do something or act in a way that isn’t okay or isn’t acceptable, they are old enough to learn what is correct and acceptable…and for us to enforce consequences when they do not behave accordingly.  The result, at least in our house, are well-behaved kids that can be taken anywhere at any time and still behave appropriately.  Yes, they get upset, cry and sometimes even get mad at us.  But, we believe that is our job to teach and parent right now…not to be their friend…there will be time for friendship later...when they have a strong foundation of polite behavior and manners. But for all the things that warrant ‘punishment’ in our house that are just let go in other households (in my opinion, because parents are too afraid of their kid not liking them to discipline effectively), our kids love us dearly and though they may be mad, upset or even angry in the moment, they still come to us each night for hugs, kisses and snuggling before bed. They immediately seek comfort from us when they get hurt or are sick. The miss us when we are away…no matter if it is 5 minutes, 5 hours or 5 months. They celebrate when we return home and are always eager to share the accomplishments with us. I don’t think we are missing out by enforcing rules and structure. Instead, I believe we are providing them with additional comfort and security. They know the boundaries and if they choose to cross them, they know there will be consequences. Every. Single. Time. I don’t like to discipline them (to be totally honest), but I feel that it is necessary…both to build strong character and morals as well as to prepare them for the ‘real world’ (which seems so far away from them, but I know that it’ll be upon them in a flash).

So, yes, it is different with my own. But not because all the little things that annoyed me went away when our first little Bug came into this world…but because I had the power to handle things the way that my husband and I saw fit. We can keep them clean and well-taken-care-of while teaching them to be independent and behave appropriately…all while maintaining strong, lifelong relationships and durable, lasting bonds with our precious little ones.  I’m not saying that everything works ‘right’ the fisrt time…and we still seek advice from others when we feel that we’ve ‘tried everything’ and nothing has worked. That is the joy of parenting in a community…you can share ideas, tips and tricks. What worked for you or me may not work for the next person, but if they’ve tried everything but that (or if we’ve tried everything except what you mention), it is probably worth a shot! : ) That is our way and it works for us and our amazing children. I am sure your way is different and that is okay.  I’m not judging and I’m also not asking to be judged. If it works for you and you’re happy with the results that is really all that matters. 

~Jac