MilSpouse: "Mamma, we decided you must be Superwoman because you can fix the car and make supper!"

Being a Military Wife means a lot of things...a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Outsiders think it is a glamorous life of world-travel, gifts brought home from various countries, sunshine, wealth, rainbows, wildflowers and beautiful homecomings. Some of those are true. I've gotten some amazing gifts from my husband's travel (note HUSBAND'S travel...he is the active duty member in our house...he does the traveling...I do not, unless it is on our own dime...and speaking of dimes, we don't get an over abundance of those, either) and the homecomings are beautiful, exciting, full of love and almost as many tears as the farewells.  Some think it is nothing but doom and gloom, single-parenting, finances that don't balance and time that is always running out.  Some of those things are true, too. Single-parenting sucks and finances do take a lot of planning and sometimes a bit of creative execution. But to me, it means more than all of that.

MilSpouse to me means independence, strength, courage, vulnerability, creativity and endurance.  It isn't a sprint...it is a long, drawn out, exhausting, exhilarating and rewarding double ultramarathon. It is worth every gut-wrenching, bone-tired second because as soon as that second is over, it's over and you're on to the next one and that is the second that takes your breath away.

Hubby is gone on a short trip right now and having had him home for a looooong stretch (7 months...yes, in our life, that is looooong) has given me a fresh outlook on our lifestyle. This trip will be less than half the length of what we are accustomed to, so it really just feels like a breath of fresh air. Not to mention, he will be stateside the entire time, so we can even still text and call without issue! It is a chance for me to fill my hours doing all the things that I don't want to waste 'together time' doing when he is home (don't be jealous that I reorganized my kitchen counter tops three times today to see which lay-out I liked better and cleaned every single slat on the window shade behind the kitchen sink). But it is also a chance for me to remind myself that I don't love him because I need him...nor did I marry him because I need someone to take care of me. I love him...and married him...because of who he is, who I am when I am with him and who we are when we are together. He is amazing, intelligent, funny, a devoted father and perfect for me.  Me? I am independent, bossy, structured, a devoted mother and perfect for him. :)  <3

The truth is that TDYs and Deployments play to my strengths for the most part. I get to make all of the decisions, do things my way and on my schedule and creatively solve problems.  In a way this is so so so so bad for him, especially when he is gone for extended periods...he comes home and feels unnecessary because things run so smoothly when he is gone. I live with an 'I can do it' attitude. Change a tire? Got it. Dead battery? No biggie, jump it...charge it..replace it...I've got this. Leaky sink? Sure, I can figure that out. Grass needs to be cut? Okay (Lord how I hate yard work), fire up the lawn mower and let's get to it. 2 inches of snow? Awesome, suit up the kids and myself and we'll have it shoveled in no time. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things that I can't do on my own and I know that. That's what my Daddy is for (LOL)...I can call him anytime and if he can't walk me through what I need to do, he can tell me who to call. In truth, we could go a whole trip (or two or five) without me NEEDING to talk to Hubby to resolve an issue. It doesn't mean I like constantly putting out the fires that always flare up just as things seem smooth, just that I don't worry about IF I can handle it, I just DO.  But, I like to talk to him. I like getting his opinion...even if it is after I've already handled the situation, it's nice to know if he would have done the same thing or if there is some other option that I may have missed in the heat of the moment. And the BEST part of all of that? He loves me for that same independence that sometimes leaves him feeling left out. It means he doesn't have to worry about us. We may struggle, be sad and miss him but we can handle it and anything that comes along with it. He is free to do his job, to keep us all safe and spend his hours focused on what is going on there and now...no nagging worry in the back of his mind.  Home life for a military family is all about support and that starts with mutual trust and support in the relationship. I couldn't ask for a better partner to share this (or any) life with...he always supports and encourages me, he is proud of the way I handle things both when he is home and on the road and because he is unconditionally supportive, I thrive.

It definitely isn't always sunshine, wildflowers and rainbows. There are days that I am incredibly lonely...I'm a social person and it is always the being alone that will get to me first. It's the kind of lonely that comes from having your heart sent half way around the world or half way across the country. It is cold, harsh and debilitating if you let it get to you. There are days that I just don't want to have to handle anything else...I just want bed time to get here so we can all go to sleep, wake up tomorrow and start a fresh (and, hopefully, less lonely) day. Lots of things can trigger the loneliness...a song on the radio (EVERY song on Sirius/XMs Prime Country reminds me of Hubby, so I try to avoid the whole damn station)...sometimes it is a day of one thing after another or several days in a row where there is SOMETHING that goes wrong each day.  I don't want to be sick and home alone with two little ones depending on me, I don't want to have to deal with some weird light that came on in my car on the way home, I don't want to have to charge/change a battery in negative windchills or try to guide a moody, emotional 6 year old through life by myself...I just don't wanna. But then something amazing happens. I do it anyway, without complaint (well, at least not in front of the kids) and I hear this: "Mamma, we decided you must be Superwoman because you can fix the car and make supper!" And now every pain-in-the-ass second of it is totally worth it as I realized that without even trying, I taught my children one of life's greatest lessons...it's not about what life hands you, it's about what you do with it.

Today...

Helping.

Last minute snuggles.

Breakfast at the airport.

Today I am lonely…gloomy…sad. It isn’t a bad day or even a day unlike many others.  We said ‘see ya later’ to Daddy yesterday (never goodbye…always see ya later) and it always makes for a few days that are just a little too quiet.  We’ve done it so many times over the past 7 years that you’d think I’d have gotten used to it by now. But I haven’t. It still breaks my heart. Every. Single. Time.  He is my best friend, the father of our children and my partner in this crazy, wonderful, agonizing roller coaster of life.  I miss him. No matter if it is an overnight trip to evac jets for bad weather, a 2 month trip that turns into 6 months (done that) or a 365 (not done that yet, but it isn’t far off and we know that), I still miss him and our kids miss him.  And if I have to hear, one more time, “Well, that isn’t too long, it’s not too bad” I may well lose my composure and smack someone. Well, probably not literally since single-parenting from jail is probably even harder than ‘traditional’ single parenting. LOL. But I can guarantee that my filter will fail and I will say something snarky.  Yes, his trips are short by most people’s standards (and by the stereotypical ‘military deployments’ that most folks are accustomed to hearing about). But he is still gone.  And all that it means is that his time home is shorter as well.  On average, we can count on 6 weeks home for every 8 weeks gone. Yeah. I still don’t love those numbers.  We’re still talking between 120 and 180 days away from home each year. Yet instead of doing it all at once, we say ‘see ya later’ 2-3 times each year. That is the hardest part. 

Yep, that's even his plane that they are watching. :(

Brings tears to my eyes.

The thing is, I don’t spend most of my time being lonely…gloomy…sad for myself. I am sad for him and the kids…for all the things that he misses and that just aren’t the same a few hours later over Skype. The things the he isn’t actually HERE for…field trips, Kindergarten Celebration, Gymnastics Open Houses and T-Ball (just to name a few things that he’ll miss on this trip alone).  Of course I am lonely for myself…but only on big days…my birthday (early May), Mother’s Day (mid-May) and our Anniversary (late May)…(again, just to name a few things that he’ll miss on this trip).  He’s missed that trio of events for 5 out of the past 7 years and those are the days that are the loneliest for me…those are family days and it breaks my  heart that I don’t get to have my best friend with me to celebrate.  On the positive side, he’s been on a pretty predictable schedule as far as what time of the year he’s gone each year. This has meant that he is home for K’s and C’s birthdays consistently and that is FAR more important to me than my own self-pitty over the things he misses in the month of May.

Daddy always leaves a surprise!

But today, none of that matters. None of the ‘bright side’ things are making me feel any better.  Today I’m just sad that he’s not here. Lonely as I sit in too-quiet house.  And gloomy because not even the weather will cooperate and provide even just a small sliver of sunshine. I’m frustrated because our opportunity to talk to him today is smack in the middle of something else and at just over 24hrs gone, I am already done with the juggling of plans, events and fitting in calls to him on his wonky schedule. Which then makes me even more frustrated with my cell phone battery that seems to always be nearly dead right when I really need it.

So, regardless of all the things that I could be counting as blessings, I am stuck in my early-deployment rut of gloom and self-pity. It won’t last long, I know. It really is just a phase. I just wish that after all these years, I’d have figured out a way to skip this part!

 ~Jac

Friendships Enrich our Lives...

Today, like many days, I find myself thankful for my friends…the ‘lifers’ as I call them.  We laugh together, cry together, suffer and celebrate together and in many ways we are closer than most siblings. 

You see, most of us met each other out of circumstance (‘situational’ friends as I like to say) but as time passed, memories were made, bonds were forged, experiences were shared and lifetime relationships were formed.  I love these people…with all of my heart.  When I say we share each other’s joy and pain, it isn’t just something you say…it is real.  As my hubby packs for a deployment, I weep for his departure (yep, I’m crier if you didn’t already know that)…yet at the same time I shed tears of joy because his leaving signals a friend’s husband’s homecoming and I am truly excited for their family.  While the children and I will miss J terribly and long for a simple hug, our friend and her children will finally get the hug that they’ve been craving for so long. I feel it all…all at the same time.

The best part is that not only do they realize that I am not perfect, they realize that they are not perfect, either…and yet we all love and fully support each other regardless.  We don’t pass judgment on each other and our relationships are free of expectations or entitlement.  We do what we can for each other when we can and when, for whatever reason, it isn’t feasible to be the one ‘doing’, nobody gets angry, hurt or offended over not being adequately taken care of or something equally as silly…they simply handle it themselves…whatever ‘it’ may be. We all understand that *life* happens so when we go extended periods without seeing each other or having time to catch-up, it’s okay…we just pick up where we left off when things settle down a bit. Why does this work? Well, for starters, we are all fiercely independent and I think that is a huge factor…add a deployment into the mix and our independence kicks into high gear.  As a collective, we nearly refuse to ask for help…even from each other. When I step back and view our behavior from afar, it is actually quite comical. Not rain, nor snow, nor pregnancy, surgery, small children or heat of summer will render us unable to do anything…it’s both endearing and frustrating. But in the end, we are not all here to just take care of each other, but to support each other and to understand that what you see on the surface is not necessarily the whole story…my friends are here for my whole story and I am here for theirs.

Thank you…each and every one of you…for filling my life with an overwhelming abundance of love, compassion and understanding and for allowing me to be a part of your lives…I cherish each of you every day!! 

~Jac

I am a military wife...a mother...and now, a blogger...

My name is Jaclyn...I go by Jaclyn, Jac or Mamma...depends on who is talking to me.  I am married with an active social life, commitments with my husband's work and two children that are both involved in extracurricular activities. Our oldest is a fiercely independent, beautiful and highly intelligent young lady.  K was, and is, the perfect first child...she was an easy baby, an easier toddler and has never been needy or demanding.  She never cried or fussed, she slept through the night at just 2 weeks old and has only been sick once in her young life.  Our youngest is definitely a firecracker.  He was born 9 months and 1 day after K's second birthday.  He is a loving, curious and handsome little man. He adores her...and she adores him. In so many ways they are very much alike...I mean, they did come from the same parents. ; ) But in just as many ways, they are polar opposites.  While she was independent from birth, he picks and chooses when he wants to be independent. He is just as intelligent as his older sister, but he hasn't learned how to use that to his advantage...yet.  And even when comparing them at similar ages/stages in life, he is still so much younger in so many ways.  Perhaps 'that's just how boys are'...or maybe that's just how he is.  He is the baby of the family and is treated as such by everyone.  It is his role and he takes it seriously. Regardless, they are the best of friends and I think it's are the similarities as well as the differences that make them so compatible.  

Though my hubby and I are both from the south, we now call the mid-west our home and are involved in many functions with his job as well as many other social activities. We are a military family so there are always challenges that come with that lifestyle, but overall it is an experience that we wouldn't trade. The greatest reward of our lifestyle are the people that we meet.  We have friends that we see more often than our own family and, sometimes, it seems that they even know us better than our family.  These are the kind of friends that last a lifetime and we are blessed to have met each and every one of them.  There a lot of hard days in a military family...but the 'family' that we have adopted makes every moment worth it. 

~Jac