Today...

Helping.

Last minute snuggles.

Breakfast at the airport.

Today I am lonely…gloomy…sad. It isn’t a bad day or even a day unlike many others.  We said ‘see ya later’ to Daddy yesterday (never goodbye…always see ya later) and it always makes for a few days that are just a little too quiet.  We’ve done it so many times over the past 7 years that you’d think I’d have gotten used to it by now. But I haven’t. It still breaks my heart. Every. Single. Time.  He is my best friend, the father of our children and my partner in this crazy, wonderful, agonizing roller coaster of life.  I miss him. No matter if it is an overnight trip to evac jets for bad weather, a 2 month trip that turns into 6 months (done that) or a 365 (not done that yet, but it isn’t far off and we know that), I still miss him and our kids miss him.  And if I have to hear, one more time, “Well, that isn’t too long, it’s not too bad” I may well lose my composure and smack someone. Well, probably not literally since single-parenting from jail is probably even harder than ‘traditional’ single parenting. LOL. But I can guarantee that my filter will fail and I will say something snarky.  Yes, his trips are short by most people’s standards (and by the stereotypical ‘military deployments’ that most folks are accustomed to hearing about). But he is still gone.  And all that it means is that his time home is shorter as well.  On average, we can count on 6 weeks home for every 8 weeks gone. Yeah. I still don’t love those numbers.  We’re still talking between 120 and 180 days away from home each year. Yet instead of doing it all at once, we say ‘see ya later’ 2-3 times each year. That is the hardest part. 

Yep, that's even his plane that they are watching. :(

Brings tears to my eyes.

The thing is, I don’t spend most of my time being lonely…gloomy…sad for myself. I am sad for him and the kids…for all the things that he misses and that just aren’t the same a few hours later over Skype. The things the he isn’t actually HERE for…field trips, Kindergarten Celebration, Gymnastics Open Houses and T-Ball (just to name a few things that he’ll miss on this trip alone).  Of course I am lonely for myself…but only on big days…my birthday (early May), Mother’s Day (mid-May) and our Anniversary (late May)…(again, just to name a few things that he’ll miss on this trip).  He’s missed that trio of events for 5 out of the past 7 years and those are the days that are the loneliest for me…those are family days and it breaks my  heart that I don’t get to have my best friend with me to celebrate.  On the positive side, he’s been on a pretty predictable schedule as far as what time of the year he’s gone each year. This has meant that he is home for K’s and C’s birthdays consistently and that is FAR more important to me than my own self-pitty over the things he misses in the month of May.

Daddy always leaves a surprise!

But today, none of that matters. None of the ‘bright side’ things are making me feel any better.  Today I’m just sad that he’s not here. Lonely as I sit in too-quiet house.  And gloomy because not even the weather will cooperate and provide even just a small sliver of sunshine. I’m frustrated because our opportunity to talk to him today is smack in the middle of something else and at just over 24hrs gone, I am already done with the juggling of plans, events and fitting in calls to him on his wonky schedule. Which then makes me even more frustrated with my cell phone battery that seems to always be nearly dead right when I really need it.

So, regardless of all the things that I could be counting as blessings, I am stuck in my early-deployment rut of gloom and self-pity. It won’t last long, I know. It really is just a phase. I just wish that after all these years, I’d have figured out a way to skip this part!

 ~Jac