Teaching Respect and Self Respect Instead of Blasting Schools for Enforcing Dress Codes

There are so many blog posts, articles, and graphics going around about children and their parents getting offended over dress codes these days. In most of them, someone is flying off the handle because they (or their child) got into trouble for wearing something that violates an institution's written dress code. They get on a soap box about how we shouldn't assume boys have no impulse control, instead we should teach it to them or that a female's shoulders/back shouldn't be considered distracting or spaghetti straps shouldn't be a problem on a 6 year old, or whatever else they come up with at the time. But I don't agree. There, I said it. Feel free to freak out and argue with me or call me names. But, if you want to know my reasons, stick with me.

Though I will concede that the most recent article that I read was handled in a far more mature manner than the father that flipped out on his kid's elementary school, I still don't agree. And, in the end, the teen that wrote the letter referenced in the article was disrespectful and rude...I was with her until she wrote "because authority figures, and I use that term very loosely such as yourself"...directly insulting someone is not the way to make your point, ever. Whether she approves of the particular person filling the role of whatever XYZ authority figure, it isn't considerate of her to be blatantly disrespectful of that person. Not to mention, you don't have to respect an individual personally to respect the position that they hold. Disagree? Go ask anyone in the military if they've ever had a commander that they didn't quite mesh with...then ask them if they refused to follow orders because they didn't respect the individual personally...I guarantee anyone with a decent career will tell you that you first respect the position, then you respect the person. Personal respect is earned, not guaranteed...and now she has totally undermined herself by her actions.

First of all, undergarments are undergarments because they are designed to be worn UNDER your clothing...you cover up your underwear, so cover up your bra too. I know a LOT of folks (good friends, even) that will disagree with me and say that a bra strap here and there is not a big deal but to me it is. It is about self respect. Not modesty, not what others will think, not 'rape culture' as they keep calling it, but pure and simple self respect. Respect yourself enough to cover your private parts and your undergarments. It's not hard. Even with all the different halters, tanks, and racer back tops, there are nearly infinite bra options to suit any top you may choose so in the end, you are choosing to not respect yourself and your body.  

Second, public institutions have rules about what is acceptable clothing and what is not. I guarantee that the school dress code is not so new that these people do not have any idea what is acceptable and what is not. If you don't like the rules, breaking them and then throwing a hissy fit when you get penalized is not the answer. If that is how you handle it, you are simply trying to make yourself some sort of martyr since you got caught. If, however, you truly disagree with all or part of the dress code, bring it up appropriately and through the correct channels (like parent teacher conferences and/or school board meetings...or even simply make an appointment with a member of the school staff or principal) if you truly want anything to be done about it or any changes to be made. If you just do what you want and then go to social media to get sympathy and attention, you are just another rule breaker trying to find a way out by making 'the man' look bad. 

While I agree that female bodies are far more sexualized than is necessary and boys deserve far more credit for their ability to maturely handle seeing a pretty girl (the world makes it sound like males have no impulse control just as much as it makes women seem like they are all sex kittens...neither of those are true and both are directly based on how we raise our children), actions like this will not change any of those perceptions. What will change viewpoints is the way we raise our children, the way we teach them to care about their bodies, how we teach them to respect themselves, the way we teach them to view others, and the examples that we set for them to imitate. Teaching respect will, in turn, both earn respect and build self respect. 

Faith, Effort and Love...Not Numbers...

If you have children, you will understand immediately what I am about to describe.  That comment that changes the way you parent, the way you view parenting and the way you relate parenting to others.  For everyone else, it’s a good story…a true story.

I was told a long time ago that I’m not really parenting until I have more than one kiddo. Really? Then what the hell have I been doing for the past year (half of which I did alone while my hubby was half way around the world)?! I want to make it clear that that comment pissed me off to no end…still does when I think of it. If you have a child, you are parenting. That’s really all there is to it. I believed that then and I believe that now. A part of me, however, wondered if I would feel like or be a different parent should we have an additional child. In the time since the comment was made, it has been explained to me over and over that I may have taken it too personally…which is always possible…I take a lot of things personally and I take EVERYTHING personally when it involves my sweet, angelic, perfect Bugs.

Okay, we all know they aren’t actually perfect. But they are perfect for us…perfect at testing boundaries… perfect at being kids…and that’s a good thing because that’s their job.  But they are my life, my career and the most wonderful thing that I have ever done, bar none.  I put my heart and soul into raising them…everything from hygiene, appearance and punishment to education, social skills and safety (and everything in between) is my responsibility and I approach it with the same vigor as any corporate executive gunning for a promotion or pay raise.   I spend my days shaping personalities, encouraging curiosities, teaching skills and appropriate behaviors and explaining the ways of the world to two of the most inquisitive minds that I have ever met.  I laugh, I cry, I scream and most nights I pass out from the exhaustion of it...and I truly LOVE every second.

So, do I feel like more of a parent now that I have two kids? No. Definitely not. I am more of a multi-tasker, more of a mediator (thankfully not too much since our Bugs get along so well) and more of a scheduler (which is saying a lot since most people already viewed my compulsive planning as a fault).  But, I am not any more or less of a parent. I teach the same things…just twice. I wash the same laundry…just twice.  I wipe the same tears…just twice. I’m not doing more…I’m just doing the same things more often.  And I still truly LOVE every second.

But that comment has forever changed me.  It changed the way I view the person that said it…and certainly not for the better.  Regardless of the intent, or if it was or wasn’t said in jest, it hurt me. And to say something like that to a new, first time mom (K was only about 9 months old at the time) is insensitive to say the least. Not to mention that I was single-parenting at the time and already struggling with worry about if I was doing our sweet girl justice on my own.  In my mind that person views themselves as ‘more’ of a parent and that infuriates me (they currently have more children than my hubby and I and probably always will since we intend to be done producing offspring). 

God made me the parent that I am because I am the parent that the children He blessed us with needs. I’m not more of a parent than anyone else and I am not less of a parent than anyone else. I am the parent necessary for the children given to me. Nothing more. Nothing less.  It has also changed the way I relate parenting to new parents.  I feel it is necessary (and that I am obligated) to remind them that THEY are what their children need…nothing more, nothing less…not what the books say, not what other people say and not what the internet says…YOU are the parents that your child needs and God gave you the instincts to do the job.  Follow your instincts first and when you feel truly muddled, then it is time to ask for help.  It causes me to bite my tongue a lot, too.  I try so hard to stay out of the ‘comparing’ game that is so common now-a-days anyway.  But when someone spends their time broadcasting their woes about their husband being gone for one or two nights or their anger at them being called out during supper, I can’t help but think about the weeks and months that I spend as a single-parent each year.  No, my hubby and I aren’t separated…well, at least not spiritually or legally…just physically. He is on active duty in the Air Force and spends an average of over 120 days away from us each year. Not as bad as some military members, but certainly a lot more than any family would prefer.  And even when he is home, a 40 hour work week is nothing short of a joke. A ‘workday’ is an average of 12 hours…a minimum of 5 days a week….weekends, evenings and overnight commitments are anything but unusual. And there is no such thing as overtime pay.  But, I refuse to make those comments. It isn’t worth comparing and it doesn’t make me more of a parent than someone with a standard M-F/9-5 job. What it does is make me even more thankful for the luxury of being a full-time parent…for the gift of being the one to be there for the ‘first’ everything…to get K from school each afternoon and drop her off each morning…to always be here when there are monsters in C’s room at night…to provide comfort, stability and structure in the midst of the turmoil of military life.  It also makes me more thankful for the friends that we have made though our journey as a military family.  The families that never compare hardships because it is all hard and you can’t measure the loneliness in one’s heart; you simply provide support and encouragement.

I am not more or less of a parent because of the number of children that I am raising. I know that now.  I am more of a parent because of what I choose to do. My choice to be involved in every aspect of their lives and interests, my choice to discipline consistently, my choice to put the time, energy and love into shaping them into strong, educated, independent and productive members of society…those are the things that make me a parent. It’s not about numbers…it’s about faith, effort and love.

~Jac

Why can't people be respectful?!

I feel like we are getting so embedded in our own opinions and points-of-view that we are becoming incapable of being able to discuss even the simplest of decisions without concern for the fall-out of those that disagree.  I blame some of this on social media like Facebook, blogs (I know, I see the irony too)  and Twitter.  If it weren't for these venues, some of us would never even discuss the topics that have become so in-your-face.  I, for one, always think twice about posting anything too personal about our family simply because I get tired of the naysayers that make me feel like I constantly need to defend my decisions.  

The fact is, we all make decisions for our families...we do what we think is best at the time and if that doesn't work, we try something new the next time and so on.  I love the ability to reach out to my circle of friends and family for advice and tips...especially in those moments when I feel like I have tried everything. But none of that opens the door for any of us to tell anyone else why their way is better.  Things like breastfeeding/formula, homeschool/public, vaccines/vaccine-free, spanking/non-spanking, cry-it-out/soothing, co-sleeping/independent bedrooms and so many more...all in addition to the old standbys like politics, religion and finances...are such hot-button subjects that mentioning them can land you in an instantly defensive position. 

We live in a society of free-thinkers. Regardless of your point-of-view, we are designed to be that way and are lucky enough to live in a country where we can freely express our differing opinions and also have the freedom to live our lives and raise our children as we see fit.  As long as you operate within the confines of the law, do the best that you can and raise your children with love, nobody can fault your decisions.  

That being said, there are a few ground rules that I would like for you to keep in mind. This is my blog and will be filled with my own opinions, rants and anecdotes. If you don't have something nice to say, don't post or comment and do not (under any circumstance) play the 'my life/situation is worse than yours' card...even if it is! I don't want this turning into a place full of bickering and snarky attitudes.  I have no problem if you have a differing opinion...by all means, share it...there have been plenty of times that I have heard an opposing opinion that has made me think twice.  Will it change my opinion? Probably not. But I like hearing your reasoning as long as you can share it respectfully and without judgement of my choices. I am a middle-of-the-road sort of person. I am not particularly extreme about any of my beliefs or opinions...except when it comes to my love of my family.  My children and my husband light up my life and my love and support for them is unmatched by anything else in my life.  I don't take well at all to them being judged or picked on...I know that my sweet little lady and my adorable little man will have to deal with adversary but the mother in me would love nothing better than to protect them from all the mean and nasty people in this world.

I hope you enjoy my rantings and stories as much as I enjoy sharing them. And, for the rough days, thank you for listening and allowing me to vent...

~Jac