Guilty When He's Gone...

I know it's normal. Hell, pretty much anything can be described as 'normal' in the face of military life. Everything about our lives and our reactions to it are 'normal' because there is really no such thing as 'normal' in a life that is so incredibly ABnormal. So instead of everything being unusual, it's just a 'normal' aspect of military life. Comical if you think about it too much...or even just a little.

So here's a good one.

I feel guilty when he is gone.

Yes, I know how weird that sounds. I've said it before, will probably say it again but it remains that I don't love him because I need him. I need him because I love him. There is a HUGE difference. Thus, I feel guilty in the face of a whole slew of situations when he is gone. When we celebrate achievements (big or small), attend parties/social functions, enjoy ourselves at a school event or even just have a little too much fun doing nothing on a boring Saturday (i.e. in our jammies half the day while we play with the puppies and make crafts). Then I stop to think about how much he would enjoy this...whatever 'this' is at the time...and I feel bad for having fun without him.

You see, my hubby is a pain-in-the-ass antisocial dude. I love him to pieces and he has gotten a LOT better in the 10 years that we have been together...A LOT. I mean, he'll actually talk to people now...TALK...to men and women and even kids.

When we met, we were still of the "Let's go to a bar after dinner." age...and when we would go out in groups, we'd go to this bar or that bar or whatever after dinner. He'd stand silently with his back to the wall, holding a drink (that he never drank) with his hat pulled low and simply watch. He saw everything because though he appeared to have zero interest in what was going on around him, he was always aware and always watching. He would leave his 'post' for only three reasons...if someone was being inappropriate to any of the ladies in our group, he'd shoo them off...if I pushed the issue of joining me on the dance floor for a slow dance...and to leave. Let me tell you, he was SO social it hurt. LOL.  But I've never felt anything but safe and protected with him. And it is a blessedly comforting feeling even (and sometimes especially) for someone as fiercely independent as myself. I would use a lot of words to describe him...both then and now...but social isn't one of them.  However, he finds the most pure and simple joy in seeing the kids and I enjoy ourselves. He may not get the same enjoyment out of whatever it is as we do...but if we are happy, he is thrilled (in a hat-pulled-low, non-smiling sort of way).

How many people do you know that truly find their joy in yours?

And so, when we have fun while he is gone, it makes me feel a bit guilty. He would love this or that or whatever...not because he loves crafts or dress up or spending allowances at the $1 Spot at Target...but because he loves us and finds the purest joy in our happiness.