And I Will...Do It Anyway...

Do It Anyway

This version found written on the wall in Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway.

-this version is credited to Mother Teresa

And I will Do It Anyway...in the face of adversary and cynics, I will hold my head high and forgive, be kind, succeed, be honest, create, be happy, do good, give my best and meet God with a lifetime of joy, sorrow, love and accomplishments in my heart. 

Today...

Helping.

Last minute snuggles.

Breakfast at the airport.

Today I am lonely…gloomy…sad. It isn’t a bad day or even a day unlike many others.  We said ‘see ya later’ to Daddy yesterday (never goodbye…always see ya later) and it always makes for a few days that are just a little too quiet.  We’ve done it so many times over the past 7 years that you’d think I’d have gotten used to it by now. But I haven’t. It still breaks my heart. Every. Single. Time.  He is my best friend, the father of our children and my partner in this crazy, wonderful, agonizing roller coaster of life.  I miss him. No matter if it is an overnight trip to evac jets for bad weather, a 2 month trip that turns into 6 months (done that) or a 365 (not done that yet, but it isn’t far off and we know that), I still miss him and our kids miss him.  And if I have to hear, one more time, “Well, that isn’t too long, it’s not too bad” I may well lose my composure and smack someone. Well, probably not literally since single-parenting from jail is probably even harder than ‘traditional’ single parenting. LOL. But I can guarantee that my filter will fail and I will say something snarky.  Yes, his trips are short by most people’s standards (and by the stereotypical ‘military deployments’ that most folks are accustomed to hearing about). But he is still gone.  And all that it means is that his time home is shorter as well.  On average, we can count on 6 weeks home for every 8 weeks gone. Yeah. I still don’t love those numbers.  We’re still talking between 120 and 180 days away from home each year. Yet instead of doing it all at once, we say ‘see ya later’ 2-3 times each year. That is the hardest part. 

Yep, that's even his plane that they are watching. :(

Brings tears to my eyes.

The thing is, I don’t spend most of my time being lonely…gloomy…sad for myself. I am sad for him and the kids…for all the things that he misses and that just aren’t the same a few hours later over Skype. The things the he isn’t actually HERE for…field trips, Kindergarten Celebration, Gymnastics Open Houses and T-Ball (just to name a few things that he’ll miss on this trip alone).  Of course I am lonely for myself…but only on big days…my birthday (early May), Mother’s Day (mid-May) and our Anniversary (late May)…(again, just to name a few things that he’ll miss on this trip).  He’s missed that trio of events for 5 out of the past 7 years and those are the days that are the loneliest for me…those are family days and it breaks my  heart that I don’t get to have my best friend with me to celebrate.  On the positive side, he’s been on a pretty predictable schedule as far as what time of the year he’s gone each year. This has meant that he is home for K’s and C’s birthdays consistently and that is FAR more important to me than my own self-pitty over the things he misses in the month of May.

Daddy always leaves a surprise!

But today, none of that matters. None of the ‘bright side’ things are making me feel any better.  Today I’m just sad that he’s not here. Lonely as I sit in too-quiet house.  And gloomy because not even the weather will cooperate and provide even just a small sliver of sunshine. I’m frustrated because our opportunity to talk to him today is smack in the middle of something else and at just over 24hrs gone, I am already done with the juggling of plans, events and fitting in calls to him on his wonky schedule. Which then makes me even more frustrated with my cell phone battery that seems to always be nearly dead right when I really need it.

So, regardless of all the things that I could be counting as blessings, I am stuck in my early-deployment rut of gloom and self-pity. It won’t last long, I know. It really is just a phase. I just wish that after all these years, I’d have figured out a way to skip this part!

 ~Jac

Our Girl is all Grown Up...

Before we discuss how ‘Our Girl is all Grown Up’ I think I should start at the beginning of our discovery…

Let’s start with a few things that you may not know about me…

1)      I do not get sick. I have severe allergies and they create a lot of suffering during, well, all four seasons…but I don’t get sick. The kind of sick that sends you to the doctor and lands you on antibiotics (and flat on your ass) is just not in my handbook. I don’t have time for it and lucky for me, it avoids me.

2)      I do not sit still. People laugh because I can quote things that I hear on Food Network or HGTV during the day, but the common misconception is that I sit there watching it. Could not be farther from the truth. I am busy all day doing things with my children (teaching, playing, going on outings, etc), completing or starting projects of my own (paper crafts, sewing, etc), working on my business, writing (my blog, which I know I have neglected for quite some time) or just doing the ever-present household chores.

3)      I do not spend all day on the computer.  Though, judging by my Facebook, it seems that I spend a fair amount of my day on the computer, I definitely do not. I surf the internet during ‘waiting times’ and elect to have it NOT show that I am ‘mobile’ most of the time…you know, waiting in the car for school pick-up, waiting while K does gymnastics, waiting in line while running errands, etc…

This week was an exception for every single one of those little details. It started Monday. I was sick. So sick, in fact, that I ended up in the ER with the doctor contemplating emergency surgery. Ugh.  To make a long ER visit (and even longer story) short, I ended up not needing emergency surgery…whew…but I did end up with an IV filled with max doses of some heavy duty meds…and even more meds to take at home. Bleh. But the good news was that as long as I took the meds, I’d be good as new in a couple of days (“BUT BE SURE TO FINISH THE COURSE OF MEDICINE EVEN ONCE YOU START TO FEEL BETTER”…yes, sir, doctor-man!).

To top it off, my hubby was sick. Now, I get medication-needing sick once every two years or so….he’s not quite that good, but we’re still talking once a year at most. We are just not a sickly family…the kids get sick even less often! Which makes me want to debunk ‘Breast milk makes your kid less sickly’ but that is an entirely different post and I am still thinking I’ll avoid the controversy and obnoxious comments on our choice to use the dreaded ‘f’ word (formula). LOL.  I digress…so, J is sick…throwing up in the bathroom, can’t move, room spinning, debilitating nausea. He was so pale and white that his skin was almost transparent…yet at the same time, he looked a little green. Would have been perfect if it had been makeup for a Halloween costume, but it wasn’t.

I was in so much pain and so sick that my doc sent me to Urgent Care…who then sent me to the ER.  Not having family nearby at times like these is one of the biggest drawbacks of our lifestyle.  If my parents were here, it would have been one phone call and no worries. Grammy would have come to the house; packed a few necessities for each kid and just taken them home with her…she’d handle supper, bed time, school the next morning and whatever else we needed. But, that’s not the case.  So now we’re stuck. J doesn’t want me at the ER by myself. I don’t want him there (who knows what he has, he doesn’t need to be spreading it around to everyone else in the hospital) and I don’t want someone else there with me (I already know I get major emotional with pain meds and sedatives, so if I’m going to be weepy and annoying, I want to do it with J or my parents. End of story).  Finally we decide that he will stay home with the kids and I will go to the ER (thank goodness we have one really close now…not sure I could have driven much farther).

So, this is where the ‘Our Girl is all Grown Up’ part comes in. 

K is pretty self-sufficient and we already knew that.  But she was amazing.  All day (before I went to the ER) she helped me with anything that she could. And if she couldn’t easily do it, she figured it out and still managed to get it done anyway.  She was an angel (and I was soooooo glad it was a day off of school since J was at work all day).  She made sure she and her brother ate when they were hungry (of course, left at their own devices, they were choosing granola bars and yogurt all day…but it could have been worse and they thought it was the best thing ever…granola bar addicts) and had plenty of water to drink…she cleaned up everything that they got out…read books to her brother and even ‘put him down for his nap’ (walked upstairs with him, tucked him in and shut his door).   

But once I left to go to the hospital, she kicked it into high gear. J stayed home with our munchkins but he was nearly useless as he was so sick.  She did everything.  She did all the things that she’d been doing all day for her brother…and she took care of her Daddy, too.  She made sure everyone had water to drink, made supper for herself and her brother (surprisingly not granola bars…pepperoni, crackers, cheese and yogurt…not a great supper, but better than yet another Cliff bar).  She even helped C when he was struggling to get his pants pulled back up after going potty.  She was truly a ‘Little Mamma’ and a lifesaver to her Daddy and I, though I am sure she won’t understand why until she is our age, has kids and is sick beyond belief.  

I was finally done at the ER…though J had to come get me since I could not drive (because of the IV cocktail)...again, having family nearby would have been so helpful…Grampy would have probably already met me at the hospital and if not, certainly would have come to get me. So, anyway, way past bed time K loaded herself and C into Daddy’s truck…clipped C into his seat and they came to pick me up and stop at a pharmacy to get my medications filled.  It was almost too much for J to be driving and so sick but we managed. Slowest car on the road, I think. LOL.

Tuesday was a better day. She went to school like normal. I woke up groggy, disoriented and basically hung over and J still felt queasy but not unstable. She got herself ready for school, only asking for help for her hair, and suggested that she buy hot lunch (she RARELY wants to purchase lunch…she STRONGLY prefers to bring cold lunch from home) so that Daddy didn’t have to worry with making a lunch for her.  J stayed home…partly because he still felt ill and partly because I was still so disoriented and groggy.  I spent the day on the couch, in the bed or in the recliner next to my bed...on the computer or on my phone (texting, Facebooking and otherwise doing things in which it didn't matter if I dozed off mid-conversation). By the afternoon I felt well enough to go get my car from the hospital after we got K from school and J went to get pizza for supper so that the kids could have something more substantial than granola bars, pepperoni and yogurt! Thankfully yesterday’s weather was also beautiful, so the kids spent the entire afternoon outside…thus not suffering from highly uninvolved parents any longer. By bed time J and I were exhausted but feeling overall better…as long as we didn't do too much.

I’m not going to lie; I've felt like the worst parent most of the time over the past two days. I feel much better today…not quite 100%...I still get quite exhausted pretty quickly if I try to do too much, though.  However, K really proved herself. In by association, she has proved that J and I are on the right track for parenting.  She took on responsibilities far past her age and managed them with fantastic success and even a little flair.  I am so incredibly proud of her and thankful for her selfless help…but it is bittersweet, nonetheless. I sure love that girl…

~Jac

P.S. Don't worry...she's being rewarded for her selfless, caring actions. She has asked to go out to supper and we have happily agreed!

Friendships Enrich our Lives...

Today, like many days, I find myself thankful for my friends…the ‘lifers’ as I call them.  We laugh together, cry together, suffer and celebrate together and in many ways we are closer than most siblings. 

You see, most of us met each other out of circumstance (‘situational’ friends as I like to say) but as time passed, memories were made, bonds were forged, experiences were shared and lifetime relationships were formed.  I love these people…with all of my heart.  When I say we share each other’s joy and pain, it isn’t just something you say…it is real.  As my hubby packs for a deployment, I weep for his departure (yep, I’m crier if you didn’t already know that)…yet at the same time I shed tears of joy because his leaving signals a friend’s husband’s homecoming and I am truly excited for their family.  While the children and I will miss J terribly and long for a simple hug, our friend and her children will finally get the hug that they’ve been craving for so long. I feel it all…all at the same time.

The best part is that not only do they realize that I am not perfect, they realize that they are not perfect, either…and yet we all love and fully support each other regardless.  We don’t pass judgment on each other and our relationships are free of expectations or entitlement.  We do what we can for each other when we can and when, for whatever reason, it isn’t feasible to be the one ‘doing’, nobody gets angry, hurt or offended over not being adequately taken care of or something equally as silly…they simply handle it themselves…whatever ‘it’ may be. We all understand that *life* happens so when we go extended periods without seeing each other or having time to catch-up, it’s okay…we just pick up where we left off when things settle down a bit. Why does this work? Well, for starters, we are all fiercely independent and I think that is a huge factor…add a deployment into the mix and our independence kicks into high gear.  As a collective, we nearly refuse to ask for help…even from each other. When I step back and view our behavior from afar, it is actually quite comical. Not rain, nor snow, nor pregnancy, surgery, small children or heat of summer will render us unable to do anything…it’s both endearing and frustrating. But in the end, we are not all here to just take care of each other, but to support each other and to understand that what you see on the surface is not necessarily the whole story…my friends are here for my whole story and I am here for theirs.

Thank you…each and every one of you…for filling my life with an overwhelming abundance of love, compassion and understanding and for allowing me to be a part of your lives…I cherish each of you every day!! 

~Jac

Thursday Coffee Group...

Coffee, sinfully rich and delicious cinnamon rolls and sweet friends. What better way is there to spend the morning?  Oh, and the 'speed cleaning' just before guests arrive has turned my house from 'lived-in' (bordering on messy) to 'neat and tidy'...gotta love that last-minute cleaning rush! <3

Random Thoughts for Wednesday...

Just some random thoughts for today…

v  Why does the jury get to ask questions in the Arias trial? Is that normal? I’m a CJ major and I don’t recall anything about the jury getting to ask questions. I would think that would considerably extend the life of a trial.

v  My Lil’ Man did not sleep well last night. He cried and fussed with bad dreams every 40 minutes or so.  Luckily they did not wake him up…but I am exhausted from constantly checking on him. Bleh. When I asked him this morning if he had any bad dreams, he said ‘no’…so I guess he doesn’t remember them.  He does keep yawning, though…so I am thinking he didn’t rest well regardless of whether he woke up or not.

v  My hubby found out yesterday that some VIP tickets that he won in a Silent Auction are good for multiple events…(i.e. they are season passes for him to go to as many events as he would like)…also, children under 12 are FREE, so we can go as a family for no additional cost.

v  Caffeine is naturally occurring in coffee beans…which brings me to the fact that coffee IS beans…so truly my morning cup (or two or three…LOL) is just a natural, energy-boosting vegetable. HeHeHe…

v  Sleepy Lil’ Man is LOVING The History Channel today. Why don’t we watch it more often?

v  Our Lil’ Lady has a pesky cough that comes and goes. It reared its ugly head again yesterday.  Last time this happened, they sent her home from school even though she had no other symptoms and made me take her to the doctor.  Makes me thankful that we have the insurance that we do…since that was the 3^rd time that they’d sent her home, requiring a doctor’s note to come back to school and NOTHING has been wrong with her. I hate that she’s had to miss school for nothing but I understand the school’s need to be cautious. Anyway, I gave her allergy meds and cough meds before school today and put a note in her backpack for her teacher advising her that we’d kept a check on her temp overnight and warning her that the allergy meds make her sleepy (just one of several reasons why we, and our doctor, prefer to use it as-needed instead of daily).

v  I am so happy to see the sunshine today. It was gloomy and overcast all day yesterday and it really, REALLY affects my mood and Lil’ Man’s mood. We may be operating in a sleepy fog today, but the sun is really helping our disposition while we muddle through the day.

v  Easter is awfully close and I haven’t even started the Easter quilt that I intended to make for use in our living room. Hmm…I think I smell a weekend project.

v  Our dog is a snot.  She avoids me all day…even when I do actually sit down and offer her the option to snuggle in my lap with a blanket…then when my hubby gets home from work, she freaks out with excitement and acts like she’s been ignored all day. Ungrateful pooch.

v  I like blogging because nobody cares about my creative punctuation. And if you do, you just don’t need to read it.

v  My Florida skin (i.e. accustomed to 100% or more humidity) gets so dry up here (Nebraska)…I sometimes wish it were feasible to fill our bathtub with lotion and just dip myself in it. LOL.

v  I fully believe in the statement: ‘Piss poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.’ However, that seems to be how things operate more often than not.

v  I love that our son likes to learn how to reassemble the things that he disassembles. I am sure that will come in handy when he starts disassembling more than his cars and toys.

~Jac

I Worry...

I worry.  It isn’t Godly of me but I do it anyway…but then again, I’m not God, I’m human.  I’m meant to be imperfect and, well, I’m perfect at that!  They always warn you that as a mother, you’ll worry about everything. They weren’t kidding. EVERY. THING.

I worry about…

…if I got the laundry done that the family needs this week.

…if my house is clean enough to not be embarrassing for Coffee Group.

…if I’ve forgotten something for lack of writing it in a calendar or adding it to my Google calendar (love that thing…it reminds me of so much.)

…bills, accounts, and how that grocery list just keeps growing this week.

…if my kids are eating a healthy enough diet.

…if my daughter will EVER learn to keep her mouth shut in school. (Okay, I know the answer to that one and it isn’t good…but I really WANT her to be a step above her mother!)

…investments, college funds and retirement.

…if the timing will ever be right for us to move out of base housing. (Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of advantages, but I want my OWN house…with some actual storage space.)

…deployments. That’s right, I worry about them long before they ever get here…then stress during them…only to worry more when he does get home. I don’t know when or if I will ever learn to relax and just enjoy the time that he IS home. Probably when he retires…and is annoying me because he is home all the time. LOL.

…military jobs. It used to be that the military was the most stable job with the most unstable lifestyle.  Well, we’ve lived in the same place for well over the standard threshold…our deployment cycle has been painfully predictable…and yet with the force reductions, jobs are a question mark and our government has found a way to put all of our service members’ pay in jeopardy. Nice. Add that to the list of worries.

…my kids. Constantly. If we are raising them well, if they will turn out to be strong, independent, compassionate and honest.

...and so many other things.  This is just what popped in my head when I sat down…perhaps I will update and add to this as more things worry me...

~Jac