i AM Enough; i am NOT alone

For the past few years I have been silently struggling. Today that stops. About 4 years ago I noticed that something had changed. Nothing major had happened in our lives but I suddenly started to feel unworthy, unhappy, easily frustrated, easy to anger, and filled with these feelings of constant worry and dread. Assuming it was just an attitude problem, I tried to find ways to control it on my own, hide it from my friends and family, and make excuses for or justify my behavior to my husband and kiddos. I could not have been more wrong. I was on the brink of a tailspin that would take a lot of time, work, and even medication to overcome...and I still wouldn't say I've overcome it completely. 

I struggle with anxiety, depression, and a mood cycling disorder and let me tell you...the struggle IS real. Sometimes, on days like today, progress is like flipping a switch...more often though, it is a delicate balance of counseling, physical and emotional tools, and medication that, over time, brings me closer to who I was before this stupid downward slide started. Today it was the former. I decided to go out on a walk by myself today and it suddenly hit me that I am making progress. I am enough...and...I am not alone. Part of this journey has showed me that I have this amazing talent to feel lonely even when surrounded by those that love me. Do you know how stupid that makes me feel? I can have my house full of people that love me, cherish my kiddos as their own, and adore my husband and yet I feel just like I am sitting all alone in a silent room. It hurts. Physically, it hurts and it takes conscious effort to bring my mind and my heart back to the moment and realize that this is my tribe and they are here with me because they WANT to. Today, that realization hit me like a ton of bricks. Even sitting alone in my living room typing this, I am not alone. I am loved. I am wanted. I am enough.

Then I got to thinking....what am I enough of? I have struggled this whole time with feeling like I wasn't truly worthy. I mean, what is it that I do that makes me worth anything? What am I? The answer came in an instant...I'm a wife, a mother (to my own kiddos and my fur babies), a daughter, a friend, a crafter, and a volunteer. I love to experiment in the kitchen and I totally believe that I can solve almost any conflict with a good plate of food...better yet, I can make that plate of food! But guess what, I hate laundry and housecleaning. I abhor yard work and I am not a gym rat. Am I unworthy because I am a stay-at-home-mom that hates to clean? No, I am not unworthy. I'm enough the way that I am and today I suddenly realized that I am okay with that. Well, maybe not okay with it but I can acknowledge it and not hate myself. That laundry in the basket...at least it is clean even if it isn't folded. But tonight's supper will be off the chain delicious. Both of those are who I am, that's enough and with a touch of a button I could share that tidbit with any number of people and they'd be happy to hear from me regardless of the topic.

I **AM** enough; I am **NOT** alone.

No kids? No opinion.

Oh how I wish people that don't have kids would stop 'helping' or offering 'suggestions' or even ranting about or to people that do have kids. Believe me when I say that you DO NOT KNOW until you have LIVED IT. Don't worry, I know there will be plenty of negative feedback from this little gem. Don't worry, your opinion probably doesn't mean much to me.

There, I've said it. I've called them out and I don't even feel bad. As a matter of fact, I feel better.

I love my children dearly. Like most parents, I believe that my children are smarter, funnier, more adorable, and more loving than anyone else's kids. I know I'm right, and that's just all there is to it. I also know that they are obnoxious boogers when they want to be...but that is for me to say, not you...you do not get to vote on that subject. It is my job to handle their jackassery and I certainly don't need non-parent assistance as I figure this out as I go along...because, believe me, you make up the rules and learn the game as you go along.

I see it all the time...in stores, blog posts, Facebook status updates, and even in my own backyard once upon a time. Because my filter quit working when I was pregnant with my first little Bug, I stopped that shit right in it's tracks. You don't have a kid? Awesome for you...you don't get to assist unless I ask, otherwise assume you know nothing. I know it is crude...and there are a small few, select folks that don't have kids that provide opinions or suggestions that don't send me in to an adult version of a tantrum. However, the difference between them and the folks that I'm referring to now is the respect factor. They respect me, my children, my family, and my position. When the offer ideas, it isn't in a degrading "My God, you just have no idea what you are doing!" sort of way, it is in a "I know you're running out of ideas and I really want to help." sort of way and usually with a glass of wine attached and an offer to help with bedtime. Love you guys. LOVE. Seriously.

I don't care if it is feeding, shots, general parenting, discipline, electronics, school, or anything else, until you have a child of your own that depends on you for everything and you are the sole person responsible for the health, well being, education, and livelihood of another human being (or people if you have an involved second parent...as I am luck to have), you do not get to comment, judge, make suggestions, or ridicule a parent for anything that they are doing (unless it is endangering the child).

In case you were wondering, parenting is like everything else...parents make mistakes. I let my kids drink Coke every now and again and they both started solid foods at 3 months regardless of the recommendations. We observe standard vaccination schedules, which many would argue is a mistake. There are days when I let them watch too much TV, play on their Kindles all day long, or (God help me because this is gonna really kill some of y'all) I let them play with my phone in the store to keep them occupied. I've been known to let them survive for a day on just Cilf bars and milk, leave school early for an event that is in no way related to academics, and play outside all day without sunscreen. All of these things are decisions that I made. I was well aware of the possible repercussions, but I chose to do it anyway. They could end up obese, diabetic, antisocial from the extra screen time, mistakenly dialed China or 911 when they played with my cell, or ended up with sunburn from exposure.

Sometimes nothing happens. My kids are healthy, if a little underweight at times. They have only really been sunburned once (maybe twice, but I can't remember it so it doesn't really count). Nobody is antisocial and, thankfully, I've had no cell phone bills for China or angry 911 operators to deal with so far. But it's out there, it's gonna happen, and when it does there will be a child-free person nearby just waiting to explain why my decision was a poor one or ranting on their Facebook pages or blogs about how parents just have no clue. If I'm lucky, they'll do it online where I won't see it...but when they do, I can assure you that there is a 'friend' on their Facebook or a 'follower' on their blog that will take offense because they will know that they truly have not basis or support for this soap box that they've climbed up on.

Before you ask, yeah, I get the irony in my ranting post compared to their ranting post...it's at least half the reason that I decided to write this thing anyway!

Kids make mistakes. Parents make mistakes. Guess what? We are all human. YOU have made mistakes...one of them is counseling parents when you have no background, but there are others. I am sure of it.  So when you are angry because I hand my kid a cell phone in Target to stop the constant barrage of questions (you do not know the feeling of an exhausted brain until your 4 year old wants to have a serious, in-depth discussion about time travel and the possibilities of parallel timelines, it's properties, ramifications, and technicalities) or when you see my kid eating a Snicker's bar and drinking a Coke while Netflixing 'White Collar' on their Kindle, feel free to keep your opinions, suggestions, and comments to yourself because if you share them, you can not be guaranteed that I will keep my mouth shut.

Teaching Respect and Self Respect Instead of Blasting Schools for Enforcing Dress Codes

There are so many blog posts, articles, and graphics going around about children and their parents getting offended over dress codes these days. In most of them, someone is flying off the handle because they (or their child) got into trouble for wearing something that violates an institution's written dress code. They get on a soap box about how we shouldn't assume boys have no impulse control, instead we should teach it to them or that a female's shoulders/back shouldn't be considered distracting or spaghetti straps shouldn't be a problem on a 6 year old, or whatever else they come up with at the time. But I don't agree. There, I said it. Feel free to freak out and argue with me or call me names. But, if you want to know my reasons, stick with me.

Though I will concede that the most recent article that I read was handled in a far more mature manner than the father that flipped out on his kid's elementary school, I still don't agree. And, in the end, the teen that wrote the letter referenced in the article was disrespectful and rude...I was with her until she wrote "because authority figures, and I use that term very loosely such as yourself"...directly insulting someone is not the way to make your point, ever. Whether she approves of the particular person filling the role of whatever XYZ authority figure, it isn't considerate of her to be blatantly disrespectful of that person. Not to mention, you don't have to respect an individual personally to respect the position that they hold. Disagree? Go ask anyone in the military if they've ever had a commander that they didn't quite mesh with...then ask them if they refused to follow orders because they didn't respect the individual personally...I guarantee anyone with a decent career will tell you that you first respect the position, then you respect the person. Personal respect is earned, not guaranteed...and now she has totally undermined herself by her actions.

First of all, undergarments are undergarments because they are designed to be worn UNDER your clothing...you cover up your underwear, so cover up your bra too. I know a LOT of folks (good friends, even) that will disagree with me and say that a bra strap here and there is not a big deal but to me it is. It is about self respect. Not modesty, not what others will think, not 'rape culture' as they keep calling it, but pure and simple self respect. Respect yourself enough to cover your private parts and your undergarments. It's not hard. Even with all the different halters, tanks, and racer back tops, there are nearly infinite bra options to suit any top you may choose so in the end, you are choosing to not respect yourself and your body.  

Second, public institutions have rules about what is acceptable clothing and what is not. I guarantee that the school dress code is not so new that these people do not have any idea what is acceptable and what is not. If you don't like the rules, breaking them and then throwing a hissy fit when you get penalized is not the answer. If that is how you handle it, you are simply trying to make yourself some sort of martyr since you got caught. If, however, you truly disagree with all or part of the dress code, bring it up appropriately and through the correct channels (like parent teacher conferences and/or school board meetings...or even simply make an appointment with a member of the school staff or principal) if you truly want anything to be done about it or any changes to be made. If you just do what you want and then go to social media to get sympathy and attention, you are just another rule breaker trying to find a way out by making 'the man' look bad. 

While I agree that female bodies are far more sexualized than is necessary and boys deserve far more credit for their ability to maturely handle seeing a pretty girl (the world makes it sound like males have no impulse control just as much as it makes women seem like they are all sex kittens...neither of those are true and both are directly based on how we raise our children), actions like this will not change any of those perceptions. What will change viewpoints is the way we raise our children, the way we teach them to care about their bodies, how we teach them to respect themselves, the way we teach them to view others, and the examples that we set for them to imitate. Teaching respect will, in turn, both earn respect and build self respect. 

What Not to Say ... or Maybe Just Keep Your Mouth Shut 'cuz Everyone is too Self-absorbed to Appreciate Your Attempt at Conversation

With all the blog posts floating around about "What Not to Say to XYZ" (insert your own label here...Couples without Children, Homeschooling Parents, Parents of Large Families, Parents of an Only Child, Public School Parents, Parents in Military Families, Parents of Multiples, Cloth Diapering Parents, so many others that don't even involve parenting, and so on and so forth), two things have become abundantly clear to me.

First, I do not know your struggle and you do not know mine. Yet I still belive that your comments or questions are not intended to harm or insult me. I believe this because I believe that the majority of people are not cruel by nature, nor are they intentionally seeking me out to do me harm. Social, yes...which is why they are even attempting to have a conversation with you in the first place. Let me say that first part again...I do not know your struggle(s). I am not trying to piss you off by engaging you in conversation anymore than you are intending to pissed me off with your idle inquiries and chitchat.

Second, people are all too sensitive yet simultaneously displaying an extreme lack of empathy and/or sympathy. Not everything is about you, your family, and your struggle. I know it is monumental to you, just as mine is monumental to me...but neither of us is the center of the universe . And while we're on that topic, your kids aren't the center of the universe either. Feel free to teach them that...they are our future, let's not raise them to be self involved and entitled.

So next time someone asks when "the next baby is coming" or "how long before you put the kids back in regular school", instead of being hurt and offended, SHARE your struggle.

Instead of assuming they are out to hurt you, respond with "Well, family planning can be a challenge but we are certainly happy to have our sweet lil' man."  Instead of being defensive about your schooling choice say "This is a great system for us and the kids are really flourishing, so we'll take it a year at a time and see how it develops."

In the end we can't blame someone else for being cruel and insensitive when we are just as much to blame for being defensive and hyper sensitive.

Raising the Future...

I love my children more than anything else on this Earth.

But I am not just raising children...I am not just raising a daughter and a son...and I am not here to be their friend (yet...the time will come later for that)...

I am raising the future of America, a wife/mother, a husband/father and coworkers/friends/neighbors on which you can depend.  

I am raising a daughter with the traits, qualities and morals that I would allow to date my baby boy and a son with the respect, dignity and reliability that I would permit to date my sweet daughter.

I am raising young people that you will welcome into your home when they come calling on your son/daughter, productive members of society with a strong moral compass, hard core work ethic as well as a heart full of compassion, empathy and respect.

What does that look like?

Well, to you (thankfully) it looks like cute, well-mannered children that are confident speaking to adults and babies alike, little ones that are well-groomed, well-mannered, cheerful, generous, loving, intelligent, and obedient.

I like that THAT is what you see. That means my work is paying off.

But on those days when they want to push the boundaries, make bad decisions, and test the waters of rebellion, it looks like a battle of wills with a little girl that just KNOWS she is right and can shoot daggers with those eyes. It looks like a little man that thinks tears or anger will solve his problems and that Mamma will cave. It looks like yelling and spankings and Shor tempers and GO STAND IN THE CORNER!

It looks like a mother, convinced she is doing it all wrong, crying in the shower.

But then they get ready for bed...we give tight hugs that speak volumes without a single word...we kiss pink noses and tear-stained cheeks...and they rest well knowing that nothing has really changed. Mamma still loves them a million times around the moon and back. The rules are still the rules, the expectations are still the same.

Consistency.

Responsiblity.

Structure.

And you know what? They wake up in the morning with a smile, a hug, and a kiss...and we do it all over again. Because what I teach them today will help them tomorrow.

At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Big Girl

Where did the time go? Sometimes I look at her and it suddenly strikes me how grown up she has become... ♡

My Fixer Dude

"Mamma, I will be the Fixer Dude while Daddy is gone so you don't have to do it all."

Yep. Brought tears to my eyes, too.

Guilty When He's Gone...

I know it's normal. Hell, pretty much anything can be described as 'normal' in the face of military life. Everything about our lives and our reactions to it are 'normal' because there is really no such thing as 'normal' in a life that is so incredibly ABnormal. So instead of everything being unusual, it's just a 'normal' aspect of military life. Comical if you think about it too much...or even just a little.

So here's a good one.

I feel guilty when he is gone.

Yes, I know how weird that sounds. I've said it before, will probably say it again but it remains that I don't love him because I need him. I need him because I love him. There is a HUGE difference. Thus, I feel guilty in the face of a whole slew of situations when he is gone. When we celebrate achievements (big or small), attend parties/social functions, enjoy ourselves at a school event or even just have a little too much fun doing nothing on a boring Saturday (i.e. in our jammies half the day while we play with the puppies and make crafts). Then I stop to think about how much he would enjoy this...whatever 'this' is at the time...and I feel bad for having fun without him.

You see, my hubby is a pain-in-the-ass antisocial dude. I love him to pieces and he has gotten a LOT better in the 10 years that we have been together...A LOT. I mean, he'll actually talk to people now...TALK...to men and women and even kids.

When we met, we were still of the "Let's go to a bar after dinner." age...and when we would go out in groups, we'd go to this bar or that bar or whatever after dinner. He'd stand silently with his back to the wall, holding a drink (that he never drank) with his hat pulled low and simply watch. He saw everything because though he appeared to have zero interest in what was going on around him, he was always aware and always watching. He would leave his 'post' for only three reasons...if someone was being inappropriate to any of the ladies in our group, he'd shoo them off...if I pushed the issue of joining me on the dance floor for a slow dance...and to leave. Let me tell you, he was SO social it hurt. LOL.  But I've never felt anything but safe and protected with him. And it is a blessedly comforting feeling even (and sometimes especially) for someone as fiercely independent as myself. I would use a lot of words to describe him...both then and now...but social isn't one of them.  However, he finds the most pure and simple joy in seeing the kids and I enjoy ourselves. He may not get the same enjoyment out of whatever it is as we do...but if we are happy, he is thrilled (in a hat-pulled-low, non-smiling sort of way).

How many people do you know that truly find their joy in yours?

And so, when we have fun while he is gone, it makes me feel a bit guilty. He would love this or that or whatever...not because he loves crafts or dress up or spending allowances at the $1 Spot at Target...but because he loves us and finds the purest joy in our happiness.

Instead of 'Just Being Nice', I'd like to 'Just be Honest'...

This has been rattling around in my head for quite some time, now. My instinct is, of course, to always shelter and protect my sweet babies from heartache, hurt feelings, failure and any obstacle that they may encounter. My heart wants to make life perfect and easy for them. My head wants them to fail, get their hearts broken and struggle. What I need them to know, more than anything, is that I will always be here to comfort them and care for them when they fall...because they will fall...but I can not get back up for them and until they fall, they will never know how strong their wings are. And so I will let them fall...only to watch them soar.

The cycle of 'political correctness' has gotten way out of hand. Of course, this is just my opinion.

As a collective, we spend so much time thinking about and choosing our words so that we are kind to everyone and dissecting every thought to determine who it **MIGHT** offend that we are left with nothing to say lest we inadvertently hurt someone's feelings. In the same moment, we have now have a society that can't handle negative feelings or, God forbid, failure. No learning how to accept constructive criticism or realize that whatever was said that hurt your feelings may not have been intended that way at all. So instead of building strong personalities that can take the ups of life as well as the downs, we can only take the ups. As a friend of ours likes to say, "We've built a generation of wussies." Yep. I agree. Not everyone is a winner. Not everyone is good at this, that or the other thing. People have different strengths, weaknesses, opinions, lifestyles, situations and feelings. And that's good. Because if we were all good at everything, life would mighty boring and there would be no motivation to improve anything. There is truly no way to build a society where everyone is happy all the time. That is how we grow, develop and build character...but only if we are willing to face and are put in the path of adversary. Failure, heartache, and difficult situations all teach us lessons...we should learn from them.

You'd think I was talking mostly about the kids. You know...everyone gets a trophy, everyone makes the team, everyone scores points and so on and so on. But the sad part is that it isn't just the kids. It's the adults, too. We're fond of saying 'I really just want to hear the truth'...but what they really mean is 'I really just want to hear the truth as long as you are saying something nice about me, complimenting me or telling me how great I am.' And in this cycle of always being nice and only sharing positive thoughts, we have also lost the the ability to be truly sorry for the impact of our own actions or words, whether they were intended to be harmful or simply inadvertently hurt someone.

Sorry, that's not how it works. Nobody is perfect all the time but in a world full of rose colored glasses, mine must be broken. I am bossy, a compulsive planner (which I fail to see how that is a negative, but I know it annoys the crap out of some folks), outspoken...usually without a 'politically correct' filter, loud, moody sometimes (yep, I know it...and I admit it), I hate talking on the phone and I am unwilling to compromise when it come to things that impact my children...just to name a few of my flaws. :) I've tried out for sports teams and been cut, I've applied for jobs and been turned down, I've joined clubs/organizations and been ignored, I endured my fair share of teasing through my school years, I struggled in math (and any science class that involved equations), I've lost friends over decisions that I've made regarding my children, I've had my  heart broken, I've felt 'left out' (as a kid and even as an adult) and yet I am happy. I love my life, my family and my friends. Yeah, things suck every now and then. But going through the ups and downs of life is what has made me the person that I am now. I don't care if I have to use a calculator for what others (ahem, my Hubby) consider simple math. I don't care if you don't like that I give my honest opinion when you ask me something...if you don't want an unfiltered response, don't ask in the first place. I've dealt with those things, learned from them, improved myself personally and moved on to bigger, better and more exciting things in my life.

I remember sitting outside my high school gym waiting for the lists to be posted of which girls made which cheerleading squad (betcha didn't know I was a cheerleader, huh?).  There were so many of us and only about half as many spots as there were girls. Nobody was guaranteed...didn't matter if you cheered last year, you tried out again every year. I was good at it. I was loud (ha, shocker), knew the routines and the movements by heart, my movements were sharp and crisp and I knew I'd remembered to smile the whole time. But I was not a tumbler. I knew that this was a drawback for me. I could lift the other girls up like nobody's business but when it came to flinging myself end over end down the mat, it just wasn't happening...cartwheels and round-offs were the extent of my gravity-defying abilities. I imagine that all of the other girls sitting there waiting were also focused purely on what they considered their drawback and so we waited....tense and fidgeting...for our coaches to post those lists in the window of the gym doors...where they would remain for the whole next day, effectively announcing to the whole school who had not made the cut.

The point of this story is two-fold. First of all, I knew my weaknesses. Can we say that of today's children...or even adults? Second, when they finally (3 minutes late, mind you) taped up the papers with each squad's new members two things happened...1/2 the crowd of girls squealed in delight and the other 1/2 fought back tears. And you know what the squealing 1/2 of us did? We comforted the other half. Because in the course of learning failure, we'd learned compassion and because next season that could be us not making the cut for the basketball team that was one of the gal's true strengths and we had been taught to support each other through both triumph and adversary. And so the cycle would go...some failing, some prevailing but all supporting each other.

That is soooooo not how the cycle works today and I don't know when it changed but we aren't protecting anyone by making everyone a winner. We aren't helping anybody by singing only praises. We aren't teaching anything by trying to build a society where everyone is friends. The fact is that we aren't all cut out to be friends with everyone. Polite, civil and RESPECTFUL? Yes. But not necessarily the kind of friends that you invite to your home, meet for dinner or drinks or choose to hang out with on your personal time. We help each other by trying, failing, supporting, trying again, prevailing, supporting and so on. You can't have true success without a few failures.

MilSpouse: "Mamma, we decided you must be Superwoman because you can fix the car and make supper!"

Being a Military Wife means a lot of things...a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Outsiders think it is a glamorous life of world-travel, gifts brought home from various countries, sunshine, wealth, rainbows, wildflowers and beautiful homecomings. Some of those are true. I've gotten some amazing gifts from my husband's travel (note HUSBAND'S travel...he is the active duty member in our house...he does the traveling...I do not, unless it is on our own dime...and speaking of dimes, we don't get an over abundance of those, either) and the homecomings are beautiful, exciting, full of love and almost as many tears as the farewells.  Some think it is nothing but doom and gloom, single-parenting, finances that don't balance and time that is always running out.  Some of those things are true, too. Single-parenting sucks and finances do take a lot of planning and sometimes a bit of creative execution. But to me, it means more than all of that.

MilSpouse to me means independence, strength, courage, vulnerability, creativity and endurance.  It isn't a sprint...it is a long, drawn out, exhausting, exhilarating and rewarding double ultramarathon. It is worth every gut-wrenching, bone-tired second because as soon as that second is over, it's over and you're on to the next one and that is the second that takes your breath away.

Hubby is gone on a short trip right now and having had him home for a looooong stretch (7 months...yes, in our life, that is looooong) has given me a fresh outlook on our lifestyle. This trip will be less than half the length of what we are accustomed to, so it really just feels like a breath of fresh air. Not to mention, he will be stateside the entire time, so we can even still text and call without issue! It is a chance for me to fill my hours doing all the things that I don't want to waste 'together time' doing when he is home (don't be jealous that I reorganized my kitchen counter tops three times today to see which lay-out I liked better and cleaned every single slat on the window shade behind the kitchen sink). But it is also a chance for me to remind myself that I don't love him because I need him...nor did I marry him because I need someone to take care of me. I love him...and married him...because of who he is, who I am when I am with him and who we are when we are together. He is amazing, intelligent, funny, a devoted father and perfect for me.  Me? I am independent, bossy, structured, a devoted mother and perfect for him. :)  <3

The truth is that TDYs and Deployments play to my strengths for the most part. I get to make all of the decisions, do things my way and on my schedule and creatively solve problems.  In a way this is so so so so bad for him, especially when he is gone for extended periods...he comes home and feels unnecessary because things run so smoothly when he is gone. I live with an 'I can do it' attitude. Change a tire? Got it. Dead battery? No biggie, jump it...charge it..replace it...I've got this. Leaky sink? Sure, I can figure that out. Grass needs to be cut? Okay (Lord how I hate yard work), fire up the lawn mower and let's get to it. 2 inches of snow? Awesome, suit up the kids and myself and we'll have it shoveled in no time. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things that I can't do on my own and I know that. That's what my Daddy is for (LOL)...I can call him anytime and if he can't walk me through what I need to do, he can tell me who to call. In truth, we could go a whole trip (or two or five) without me NEEDING to talk to Hubby to resolve an issue. It doesn't mean I like constantly putting out the fires that always flare up just as things seem smooth, just that I don't worry about IF I can handle it, I just DO.  But, I like to talk to him. I like getting his opinion...even if it is after I've already handled the situation, it's nice to know if he would have done the same thing or if there is some other option that I may have missed in the heat of the moment. And the BEST part of all of that? He loves me for that same independence that sometimes leaves him feeling left out. It means he doesn't have to worry about us. We may struggle, be sad and miss him but we can handle it and anything that comes along with it. He is free to do his job, to keep us all safe and spend his hours focused on what is going on there and now...no nagging worry in the back of his mind.  Home life for a military family is all about support and that starts with mutual trust and support in the relationship. I couldn't ask for a better partner to share this (or any) life with...he always supports and encourages me, he is proud of the way I handle things both when he is home and on the road and because he is unconditionally supportive, I thrive.

It definitely isn't always sunshine, wildflowers and rainbows. There are days that I am incredibly lonely...I'm a social person and it is always the being alone that will get to me first. It's the kind of lonely that comes from having your heart sent half way around the world or half way across the country. It is cold, harsh and debilitating if you let it get to you. There are days that I just don't want to have to handle anything else...I just want bed time to get here so we can all go to sleep, wake up tomorrow and start a fresh (and, hopefully, less lonely) day. Lots of things can trigger the loneliness...a song on the radio (EVERY song on Sirius/XMs Prime Country reminds me of Hubby, so I try to avoid the whole damn station)...sometimes it is a day of one thing after another or several days in a row where there is SOMETHING that goes wrong each day.  I don't want to be sick and home alone with two little ones depending on me, I don't want to have to deal with some weird light that came on in my car on the way home, I don't want to have to charge/change a battery in negative windchills or try to guide a moody, emotional 6 year old through life by myself...I just don't wanna. But then something amazing happens. I do it anyway, without complaint (well, at least not in front of the kids) and I hear this: "Mamma, we decided you must be Superwoman because you can fix the car and make supper!" And now every pain-in-the-ass second of it is totally worth it as I realized that without even trying, I taught my children one of life's greatest lessons...it's not about what life hands you, it's about what you do with it.

Catching Up a Bit and Prayers for 2014

Hi. No, I didn't fall off the face of the earth. I was doing so good at posting things regularly and then something happened. Life. LOL. I love blogging as an outlet. But it is always so crazy and busy and non-stop in the late-Spring to late-Summer time frame that by the time we get the kids to bed (of course it doesn't get dark until so late anyway), I am all out of ideas for writing. Things happen so quickly and time just slips away...next thing I know, it's mid-September and it's about time to start the 'Holiday Season'. I know that it is a busy time for everyone so I do my best to stay in touch with everyone and answer those that send me messages, emails, texts or whatnot.  

And now it is January.  January! 

Christmas is, hands-down, my favorite time of year. I love everything about it. I love the celebration, the giving, the magic, the lights and decorations, the music and the wonder on the faces of children. Especially my children. In a way, social media has kind of put a damper on it, though. Between those wallowing in their own pity and the Santa-haters, I worry that my 'Elf on the Shelf ' post will be met with criticism or contempt and, quite frankly,  I think that there is no reason that I should have to defend our way of doing things. Not to mention the fact that the Facebook comments of others do nothing but add additional stress and frustration to what is, truthfully, the BEST season of the year.  Our 6 year old said it best a few weeks ago. She and her brother were having a discussion in the car about the meaning of Christmas, how we celebrate and Baby Jesus.  When he asked her why various Nativity Scenes were slightly different and why some children don't have their own Elf, she calmly explained "Because there is no wrong way to love Jesus"...and she was so right. Whether you decide to indulge in the fictional magic of Santa Claus (the fat, jolly old elf that slides down the chimney) or keep your discussions of Pierre Noel strictly to historical accounts of the Bishop that left gifts of coins, food and/or clothing with families in secret, the fact is that it is a season to celebrate the most selfless gift in history.    

We are beyond thrilled to have our family complete for this Holiday Season. The little blessings, like Christmas shopping for our children together (no more emailing Amazon links back and forth), has been wonderful.  Santa even brought a puppy this year...a MAJOR event that would definitely not have been possible in single-parent-mode. Big blessings, like hosting Thanksgiving Supper, Cookies for Santa (our annual cookie decorating party), Christmas Supper AND a Family Friendly New Year's Eve Party have been fantastic.  

But here we are, a week into the first month of 2014 and in addition to being totally spent in entertaining, I'm thinking of the things that I would like to be even better. As I ponder the things that cause me worry, stress and anxiety, it occurs to me that I can't change any of those things. I can't force people to be more respectful...to answer text, phone, email, Facebook or voicemail messages. I can't predict where our life or our job will be in the next 6 months or year. I can't move my family closer. I can't magically get the dog potty trained (LOL). 

What I can do is become a better version of me. I can learn to let go of the investment in folks that are only friendly when it is convenient for them yet choose to ignore me when it doesn't suit their needs. I may even learn to just sever the virtual friendship that does nothing but serve as a source of insult and frustration. I can learn to be happy with what we have here and now and what is going on here and now. Next month will get here soon enough and whatever it brings will be a blessing...even if I have to really work to find the silver lining in the storm. I can learn to merely dislike night shift instead of despising it (it is so much harder to call Grammy whenever I want when she sleeps all day)! But now I can easily call her when I can't sleep at 2 am.  Instead of wasting time, energy and hurt feelings on these things, I will continue to be myself and those folks for whom that isn't enough (or maybe it's too much) can either get over it or learn to love me for me.

By now you are probably wondering what I am going to do with all of that extra energy that I'm not going to spend being frustrated, insulted, stressed and worried? Well I'm glad you asked...

In 2014 I am going to...

...cook with my kids, with the radio turned up so loud that we can't hear the door when Daddy gets home.

...spend time enjoying the new friends and sisters through my Thirty-One business. That's right, my business! I love it, I love the wonderful people that I've met and if you don't want to hear me talk about it, then I don't want to hear you talk about the things that bring out the passion in your life.

...blow bubbles in the cold with my Bugs. It is so neat to see them freeze!

...no longer feel bad for being happy about my hubby finally having a job that keeps him home more...we did our time and earned this bit of reprieve...and I will enjoy it!

...be happy we didn't put in new floors before getting a puppy instead of being frustrated by the accidents (thankfully she's getting the potty training thing pretty quickly, so this one should be fairly easy).

...go on more picnics. The kids love 'em and that's all the motivation I need to pack it up and go eat lunch in the grass.

...let my daughter "do" her own hair (but probably only on days that we don't have to go anywhere).

...build in more "Mother-Daughter" time with my sweet Ladybug...she is growing up TOO FAST.

...spend more of my one-on-one time with precious Bumblebee doing things HE wants to do.

...'date' my husband. <3

And I am sure there are about a hundred other things that I will think of as soon as I click 'publish' but the fact is that I am going to spend more time on little things and less time/energy on those sucking the fun out of life.

I feel better already.

My prayer for you is that whatever you do in 2014, you are happy and fulfilled!

~Jac

It's Been a Long While...

Well, it’s been a long while. And I have missed you all. 

Like most families, the end of the school year was fantastically busy for us.  Not in a bad way…it helped the days seem to fly by.  Our sweet little girl has finished Kindergarten…I didn’t cry when she started pre-k or when she finished…I didn’t cry on the first day of Kindergarten nor at their Kindergarten Celebration…no tears at her first ‘Field Day’ or the morning of her last day of school…but when she stepped out of the Kindergarten doors and announced that she was a 1^st Grader on the last afternoon of Kindergarten, I got a little misty. It is so cliché to say that time just slips away…but it truly does. Oh, it doesn’t seem like it ‘in the moment’…but the next thing you know, she’s starting 1^st Grade instead of sleeping in your lap after an early-morning bottle.

And then there’s our lil’ man. LOL. I shouldn’t say it like that. He has grown up a lot in the past few months as well. Though you wouldn’t know that when he curls up in my lap to suck his thumb and go to sleep at night.  Yeah, I should be breaking the thumb habit. And I have no ‘reasons’ not to…just excuses…his teeth/bite aren’t suffering and it’s just for a few minutes while he is falling asleep, then his thumb ‘falls out’ of his mouth and he never goes back to it during the night. Of course, then there are the nights that he falls asleep talking…full-on talking, mid-sentence! On those nights, who even cares about the thumb issue?! 

We've been to the Zoo, played in the sprinkler, eaten lunch on the porch and supper on the swings. Both of the kids performed fantastically at their Gymnastics Open House and had a blast on a field trip to Gifford Farm.  We've watched movies during the bad weather and sat on the porch during the pouring rain.  We've laughed and cried together and talked to Daddy on Skype at every opportunity. 

As for me, I've started a new business and made so many new friends with it. I've really excelled and even earned quite a few bonuses and incentives. Besides how much I love what I'm doing, I love that it doesn't require me to give up any time with my Bugs...these kids are my world and with this business I can create my own schedule, still be there for them constantly and still have a little some thing that's 'mine'. 

I felt bad yesterday when a very good friend of mine asked me how I was doing during this deployment. I told her that it was a ‘tough one’ and then realized later that that seems to have become my new standard answer. And that’s not fair. They are all tough…that part’s for sure. But it isn’t tough the whole time. There are good times. But it seems that in my “Old Age”, I am getting less and less tolerant of things. And it’s not even me or the kids that I’m sad for, it’s J.  The kids, truly, don’t know any different. This is how their life has always been and they don’t know any other way. They know that our neighbors and friends love them like they are family and that there is always someone (usually a group of our closest ‘military family members’ in the crowd to cheer them on, no matter what). They know that they are loved and they never question any of that. Oh, they miss their Daddy terribly…some days worse than others.  But for them it is almost as exciting to tell him all about it on the phone or on Skype. That’s when I get sad…that he has to live life with us online or on the phone. There are so many horrible, dreadful, uncaring fathers out there that see their kids every day (or CHOOSE to NOT see their kids) and here’s the best, most loving and involved father and he has to experience half of his children’s lives through the computer. Awkward and ironic twist, huh?

Today is bad (so was yesterday). I’m lonely. I miss my best friend, partner and father of my sweet angels…I miss my husband…I miss having my family all in one place. But tomorrow will be better.  Tomorrow the sun will shine (God, I pray that it does…we just cannot do this gloomy, rainy weather any longer) and we will celebrate with friends and for a few moments I will forget that when my house empties, it’ll be just me and the kids again. But then the weekend will be here…C will start T-Ball and we will cheer him on…K will start “Surfin’ Through Summer” at her school as well as T-Ball and before you know it, this trip will be almost over. And then I’ll have to share the remote, argue over the thermostat (my poor, thin-blooded husband will complain that it’s too cold in the house) and remember that I’m not the boss anymore (well, that one is a stretch…but transitioning back to dual-parenting is always a bit of a struggle).  So, I apologize, Dear Friend...it isn't always tough. Just most of the time. LOL. Thankfully, she lives the same life, so I am sure she knew what I meant regardless of what I said. 

I hope the end of the school year has brought fun, laughter and excitement to your life as it has ours...

~Jac

And I Will...Do It Anyway...

Do It Anyway

This version found written on the wall in Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway.

-this version is credited to Mother Teresa

And I will Do It Anyway...in the face of adversary and cynics, I will hold my head high and forgive, be kind, succeed, be honest, create, be happy, do good, give my best and meet God with a lifetime of joy, sorrow, love and accomplishments in my heart. 

Today...

Helping.

Last minute snuggles.

Breakfast at the airport.

Today I am lonely…gloomy…sad. It isn’t a bad day or even a day unlike many others.  We said ‘see ya later’ to Daddy yesterday (never goodbye…always see ya later) and it always makes for a few days that are just a little too quiet.  We’ve done it so many times over the past 7 years that you’d think I’d have gotten used to it by now. But I haven’t. It still breaks my heart. Every. Single. Time.  He is my best friend, the father of our children and my partner in this crazy, wonderful, agonizing roller coaster of life.  I miss him. No matter if it is an overnight trip to evac jets for bad weather, a 2 month trip that turns into 6 months (done that) or a 365 (not done that yet, but it isn’t far off and we know that), I still miss him and our kids miss him.  And if I have to hear, one more time, “Well, that isn’t too long, it’s not too bad” I may well lose my composure and smack someone. Well, probably not literally since single-parenting from jail is probably even harder than ‘traditional’ single parenting. LOL. But I can guarantee that my filter will fail and I will say something snarky.  Yes, his trips are short by most people’s standards (and by the stereotypical ‘military deployments’ that most folks are accustomed to hearing about). But he is still gone.  And all that it means is that his time home is shorter as well.  On average, we can count on 6 weeks home for every 8 weeks gone. Yeah. I still don’t love those numbers.  We’re still talking between 120 and 180 days away from home each year. Yet instead of doing it all at once, we say ‘see ya later’ 2-3 times each year. That is the hardest part. 

Yep, that's even his plane that they are watching. :(

Brings tears to my eyes.

The thing is, I don’t spend most of my time being lonely…gloomy…sad for myself. I am sad for him and the kids…for all the things that he misses and that just aren’t the same a few hours later over Skype. The things the he isn’t actually HERE for…field trips, Kindergarten Celebration, Gymnastics Open Houses and T-Ball (just to name a few things that he’ll miss on this trip alone).  Of course I am lonely for myself…but only on big days…my birthday (early May), Mother’s Day (mid-May) and our Anniversary (late May)…(again, just to name a few things that he’ll miss on this trip).  He’s missed that trio of events for 5 out of the past 7 years and those are the days that are the loneliest for me…those are family days and it breaks my  heart that I don’t get to have my best friend with me to celebrate.  On the positive side, he’s been on a pretty predictable schedule as far as what time of the year he’s gone each year. This has meant that he is home for K’s and C’s birthdays consistently and that is FAR more important to me than my own self-pitty over the things he misses in the month of May.

Daddy always leaves a surprise!

But today, none of that matters. None of the ‘bright side’ things are making me feel any better.  Today I’m just sad that he’s not here. Lonely as I sit in too-quiet house.  And gloomy because not even the weather will cooperate and provide even just a small sliver of sunshine. I’m frustrated because our opportunity to talk to him today is smack in the middle of something else and at just over 24hrs gone, I am already done with the juggling of plans, events and fitting in calls to him on his wonky schedule. Which then makes me even more frustrated with my cell phone battery that seems to always be nearly dead right when I really need it.

So, regardless of all the things that I could be counting as blessings, I am stuck in my early-deployment rut of gloom and self-pity. It won’t last long, I know. It really is just a phase. I just wish that after all these years, I’d have figured out a way to skip this part!

 ~Jac

Our Girl is all Grown Up...

Before we discuss how ‘Our Girl is all Grown Up’ I think I should start at the beginning of our discovery…

Let’s start with a few things that you may not know about me…

1)      I do not get sick. I have severe allergies and they create a lot of suffering during, well, all four seasons…but I don’t get sick. The kind of sick that sends you to the doctor and lands you on antibiotics (and flat on your ass) is just not in my handbook. I don’t have time for it and lucky for me, it avoids me.

2)      I do not sit still. People laugh because I can quote things that I hear on Food Network or HGTV during the day, but the common misconception is that I sit there watching it. Could not be farther from the truth. I am busy all day doing things with my children (teaching, playing, going on outings, etc), completing or starting projects of my own (paper crafts, sewing, etc), working on my business, writing (my blog, which I know I have neglected for quite some time) or just doing the ever-present household chores.

3)      I do not spend all day on the computer.  Though, judging by my Facebook, it seems that I spend a fair amount of my day on the computer, I definitely do not. I surf the internet during ‘waiting times’ and elect to have it NOT show that I am ‘mobile’ most of the time…you know, waiting in the car for school pick-up, waiting while K does gymnastics, waiting in line while running errands, etc…

This week was an exception for every single one of those little details. It started Monday. I was sick. So sick, in fact, that I ended up in the ER with the doctor contemplating emergency surgery. Ugh.  To make a long ER visit (and even longer story) short, I ended up not needing emergency surgery…whew…but I did end up with an IV filled with max doses of some heavy duty meds…and even more meds to take at home. Bleh. But the good news was that as long as I took the meds, I’d be good as new in a couple of days (“BUT BE SURE TO FINISH THE COURSE OF MEDICINE EVEN ONCE YOU START TO FEEL BETTER”…yes, sir, doctor-man!).

To top it off, my hubby was sick. Now, I get medication-needing sick once every two years or so….he’s not quite that good, but we’re still talking once a year at most. We are just not a sickly family…the kids get sick even less often! Which makes me want to debunk ‘Breast milk makes your kid less sickly’ but that is an entirely different post and I am still thinking I’ll avoid the controversy and obnoxious comments on our choice to use the dreaded ‘f’ word (formula). LOL.  I digress…so, J is sick…throwing up in the bathroom, can’t move, room spinning, debilitating nausea. He was so pale and white that his skin was almost transparent…yet at the same time, he looked a little green. Would have been perfect if it had been makeup for a Halloween costume, but it wasn’t.

I was in so much pain and so sick that my doc sent me to Urgent Care…who then sent me to the ER.  Not having family nearby at times like these is one of the biggest drawbacks of our lifestyle.  If my parents were here, it would have been one phone call and no worries. Grammy would have come to the house; packed a few necessities for each kid and just taken them home with her…she’d handle supper, bed time, school the next morning and whatever else we needed. But, that’s not the case.  So now we’re stuck. J doesn’t want me at the ER by myself. I don’t want him there (who knows what he has, he doesn’t need to be spreading it around to everyone else in the hospital) and I don’t want someone else there with me (I already know I get major emotional with pain meds and sedatives, so if I’m going to be weepy and annoying, I want to do it with J or my parents. End of story).  Finally we decide that he will stay home with the kids and I will go to the ER (thank goodness we have one really close now…not sure I could have driven much farther).

So, this is where the ‘Our Girl is all Grown Up’ part comes in. 

K is pretty self-sufficient and we already knew that.  But she was amazing.  All day (before I went to the ER) she helped me with anything that she could. And if she couldn’t easily do it, she figured it out and still managed to get it done anyway.  She was an angel (and I was soooooo glad it was a day off of school since J was at work all day).  She made sure she and her brother ate when they were hungry (of course, left at their own devices, they were choosing granola bars and yogurt all day…but it could have been worse and they thought it was the best thing ever…granola bar addicts) and had plenty of water to drink…she cleaned up everything that they got out…read books to her brother and even ‘put him down for his nap’ (walked upstairs with him, tucked him in and shut his door).   

But once I left to go to the hospital, she kicked it into high gear. J stayed home with our munchkins but he was nearly useless as he was so sick.  She did everything.  She did all the things that she’d been doing all day for her brother…and she took care of her Daddy, too.  She made sure everyone had water to drink, made supper for herself and her brother (surprisingly not granola bars…pepperoni, crackers, cheese and yogurt…not a great supper, but better than yet another Cliff bar).  She even helped C when he was struggling to get his pants pulled back up after going potty.  She was truly a ‘Little Mamma’ and a lifesaver to her Daddy and I, though I am sure she won’t understand why until she is our age, has kids and is sick beyond belief.  

I was finally done at the ER…though J had to come get me since I could not drive (because of the IV cocktail)...again, having family nearby would have been so helpful…Grampy would have probably already met me at the hospital and if not, certainly would have come to get me. So, anyway, way past bed time K loaded herself and C into Daddy’s truck…clipped C into his seat and they came to pick me up and stop at a pharmacy to get my medications filled.  It was almost too much for J to be driving and so sick but we managed. Slowest car on the road, I think. LOL.

Tuesday was a better day. She went to school like normal. I woke up groggy, disoriented and basically hung over and J still felt queasy but not unstable. She got herself ready for school, only asking for help for her hair, and suggested that she buy hot lunch (she RARELY wants to purchase lunch…she STRONGLY prefers to bring cold lunch from home) so that Daddy didn’t have to worry with making a lunch for her.  J stayed home…partly because he still felt ill and partly because I was still so disoriented and groggy.  I spent the day on the couch, in the bed or in the recliner next to my bed...on the computer or on my phone (texting, Facebooking and otherwise doing things in which it didn't matter if I dozed off mid-conversation). By the afternoon I felt well enough to go get my car from the hospital after we got K from school and J went to get pizza for supper so that the kids could have something more substantial than granola bars, pepperoni and yogurt! Thankfully yesterday’s weather was also beautiful, so the kids spent the entire afternoon outside…thus not suffering from highly uninvolved parents any longer. By bed time J and I were exhausted but feeling overall better…as long as we didn't do too much.

I’m not going to lie; I've felt like the worst parent most of the time over the past two days. I feel much better today…not quite 100%...I still get quite exhausted pretty quickly if I try to do too much, though.  However, K really proved herself. In by association, she has proved that J and I are on the right track for parenting.  She took on responsibilities far past her age and managed them with fantastic success and even a little flair.  I am so incredibly proud of her and thankful for her selfless help…but it is bittersweet, nonetheless. I sure love that girl…

~Jac

P.S. Don't worry...she's being rewarded for her selfless, caring actions. She has asked to go out to supper and we have happily agreed!

Friendships Enrich our Lives...

Today, like many days, I find myself thankful for my friends…the ‘lifers’ as I call them.  We laugh together, cry together, suffer and celebrate together and in many ways we are closer than most siblings. 

You see, most of us met each other out of circumstance (‘situational’ friends as I like to say) but as time passed, memories were made, bonds were forged, experiences were shared and lifetime relationships were formed.  I love these people…with all of my heart.  When I say we share each other’s joy and pain, it isn’t just something you say…it is real.  As my hubby packs for a deployment, I weep for his departure (yep, I’m crier if you didn’t already know that)…yet at the same time I shed tears of joy because his leaving signals a friend’s husband’s homecoming and I am truly excited for their family.  While the children and I will miss J terribly and long for a simple hug, our friend and her children will finally get the hug that they’ve been craving for so long. I feel it all…all at the same time.

The best part is that not only do they realize that I am not perfect, they realize that they are not perfect, either…and yet we all love and fully support each other regardless.  We don’t pass judgment on each other and our relationships are free of expectations or entitlement.  We do what we can for each other when we can and when, for whatever reason, it isn’t feasible to be the one ‘doing’, nobody gets angry, hurt or offended over not being adequately taken care of or something equally as silly…they simply handle it themselves…whatever ‘it’ may be. We all understand that *life* happens so when we go extended periods without seeing each other or having time to catch-up, it’s okay…we just pick up where we left off when things settle down a bit. Why does this work? Well, for starters, we are all fiercely independent and I think that is a huge factor…add a deployment into the mix and our independence kicks into high gear.  As a collective, we nearly refuse to ask for help…even from each other. When I step back and view our behavior from afar, it is actually quite comical. Not rain, nor snow, nor pregnancy, surgery, small children or heat of summer will render us unable to do anything…it’s both endearing and frustrating. But in the end, we are not all here to just take care of each other, but to support each other and to understand that what you see on the surface is not necessarily the whole story…my friends are here for my whole story and I am here for theirs.

Thank you…each and every one of you…for filling my life with an overwhelming abundance of love, compassion and understanding and for allowing me to be a part of your lives…I cherish each of you every day!! 

~Jac

Thursday Coffee Group...

Coffee, sinfully rich and delicious cinnamon rolls and sweet friends. What better way is there to spend the morning?  Oh, and the 'speed cleaning' just before guests arrive has turned my house from 'lived-in' (bordering on messy) to 'neat and tidy'...gotta love that last-minute cleaning rush! <3

Random Thoughts for Wednesday...

Just some random thoughts for today…

v  Why does the jury get to ask questions in the Arias trial? Is that normal? I’m a CJ major and I don’t recall anything about the jury getting to ask questions. I would think that would considerably extend the life of a trial.

v  My Lil’ Man did not sleep well last night. He cried and fussed with bad dreams every 40 minutes or so.  Luckily they did not wake him up…but I am exhausted from constantly checking on him. Bleh. When I asked him this morning if he had any bad dreams, he said ‘no’…so I guess he doesn’t remember them.  He does keep yawning, though…so I am thinking he didn’t rest well regardless of whether he woke up or not.

v  My hubby found out yesterday that some VIP tickets that he won in a Silent Auction are good for multiple events…(i.e. they are season passes for him to go to as many events as he would like)…also, children under 12 are FREE, so we can go as a family for no additional cost.

v  Caffeine is naturally occurring in coffee beans…which brings me to the fact that coffee IS beans…so truly my morning cup (or two or three…LOL) is just a natural, energy-boosting vegetable. HeHeHe…

v  Sleepy Lil’ Man is LOVING The History Channel today. Why don’t we watch it more often?

v  Our Lil’ Lady has a pesky cough that comes and goes. It reared its ugly head again yesterday.  Last time this happened, they sent her home from school even though she had no other symptoms and made me take her to the doctor.  Makes me thankful that we have the insurance that we do…since that was the 3^rd time that they’d sent her home, requiring a doctor’s note to come back to school and NOTHING has been wrong with her. I hate that she’s had to miss school for nothing but I understand the school’s need to be cautious. Anyway, I gave her allergy meds and cough meds before school today and put a note in her backpack for her teacher advising her that we’d kept a check on her temp overnight and warning her that the allergy meds make her sleepy (just one of several reasons why we, and our doctor, prefer to use it as-needed instead of daily).

v  I am so happy to see the sunshine today. It was gloomy and overcast all day yesterday and it really, REALLY affects my mood and Lil’ Man’s mood. We may be operating in a sleepy fog today, but the sun is really helping our disposition while we muddle through the day.

v  Easter is awfully close and I haven’t even started the Easter quilt that I intended to make for use in our living room. Hmm…I think I smell a weekend project.

v  Our dog is a snot.  She avoids me all day…even when I do actually sit down and offer her the option to snuggle in my lap with a blanket…then when my hubby gets home from work, she freaks out with excitement and acts like she’s been ignored all day. Ungrateful pooch.

v  I like blogging because nobody cares about my creative punctuation. And if you do, you just don’t need to read it.

v  My Florida skin (i.e. accustomed to 100% or more humidity) gets so dry up here (Nebraska)…I sometimes wish it were feasible to fill our bathtub with lotion and just dip myself in it. LOL.

v  I fully believe in the statement: ‘Piss poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.’ However, that seems to be how things operate more often than not.

v  I love that our son likes to learn how to reassemble the things that he disassembles. I am sure that will come in handy when he starts disassembling more than his cars and toys.

~Jac

I Worry...

I worry.  It isn’t Godly of me but I do it anyway…but then again, I’m not God, I’m human.  I’m meant to be imperfect and, well, I’m perfect at that!  They always warn you that as a mother, you’ll worry about everything. They weren’t kidding. EVERY. THING.

I worry about…

…if I got the laundry done that the family needs this week.

…if my house is clean enough to not be embarrassing for Coffee Group.

…if I’ve forgotten something for lack of writing it in a calendar or adding it to my Google calendar (love that thing…it reminds me of so much.)

…bills, accounts, and how that grocery list just keeps growing this week.

…if my kids are eating a healthy enough diet.

…if my daughter will EVER learn to keep her mouth shut in school. (Okay, I know the answer to that one and it isn’t good…but I really WANT her to be a step above her mother!)

…investments, college funds and retirement.

…if the timing will ever be right for us to move out of base housing. (Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of advantages, but I want my OWN house…with some actual storage space.)

…deployments. That’s right, I worry about them long before they ever get here…then stress during them…only to worry more when he does get home. I don’t know when or if I will ever learn to relax and just enjoy the time that he IS home. Probably when he retires…and is annoying me because he is home all the time. LOL.

…military jobs. It used to be that the military was the most stable job with the most unstable lifestyle.  Well, we’ve lived in the same place for well over the standard threshold…our deployment cycle has been painfully predictable…and yet with the force reductions, jobs are a question mark and our government has found a way to put all of our service members’ pay in jeopardy. Nice. Add that to the list of worries.

…my kids. Constantly. If we are raising them well, if they will turn out to be strong, independent, compassionate and honest.

...and so many other things.  This is just what popped in my head when I sat down…perhaps I will update and add to this as more things worry me...

~Jac